


A Bundle of Nerves

by omgdatphantho



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Eventual Smut, Fighting, Fluff, Language, M/M, Mpreg, Parties
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-07
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2018-08-30 19:32:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 34,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8546266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/omgdatphantho/pseuds/omgdatphantho
Summary: Dan is a carrier and Phil is his best friend. Is their friendship strong enough to survive after the fateful night of a party?





	1. Chapter 1

The sky has been intermittently been raining all day. Dan leans on the counter with his elbows on top and his head in his hands. He’s been watching the people as they hurry along the street to pass the time. Business has been especially slow today. Dan’s not surprised though. Business is always slower when the sky can’t make up its mind. Not a lot of people want to be caught outside if the sky decides to open up.

 

The grey sky seems to match the muted look of the buildings along the street. It causes the world to look like one giant, dull blob. Dan lets out a sigh. He feels like it’s a perfect metaphor for his life. A blanket of grey seems to hang over his head and his feelings feel muted.

 

Don’t get him wrong, Dan doesn’t mind his job or his life honestly. He gets to be around books all day and discuss books with other readers. That’s the silver lining of his job. He just feels a bit directionless. Dan wouldn’t be here if his mom hadn’t forced him to get a job. It was get a job or go to university. He really didn’t want to go to university so job it was then.

 

 _‘_ It could be worse,’ he thinks to himself. ‘I could be stuck in a lecture hall right now with no idea what I want to do with my life and no motivation to figure it out.’

 

Dan’s thoughts are interrupted as the bell over the door jangles. He raises his head off his hands and stands up straight to greet the customer. The man is tall, a few inches taller than Dan. His hood is pulled up at the moment so Dan can’t get a good look at his face. He seems to be on the skinny side; not lanky, but slim.

 

“Welcome to _Always Reading_. What can I help you with today?” Dan tries to make his voice sound cheerful. The man flips back his hood and fixes his hair. While the man unzips his jacket a bit, Dan has a chance to look at him. The man has dark, black hair and pale skin. He’s wearing a red button up if the bit that Dan can see under the man’s jacket is any indication. The man finally gets situated and looks at Dan. The man has the most striking blue eyes Dan’s ever seen. They’re like icy oceans that Dan would love to explore the depths of.

 

“I need a book,” the man states matter of factly. Dan smiles at him, but the man doesn’t smile in return.

 

“Well you have come to the right place then. Do you have a specific one in mind or-.” The man cuts Dan off before he could finish his question.

 

“Stephen King.” The man stares at Dan as if he’s suppose to know which specific book off the top of his head.

 

‘Great. This guy is crabby and I have the unfortunate luck of not being a mind reader.’ Dan thinks to himself. On the outside though, he’s smiling and waiting for the man to give him a title. The man doesn’t continue so Dan decides to just ask.

 

“Any particular title in mind?” The man flashes him a slight frown. Dan inhales to keep his nerves at bay.

 

“Mr. Mercedes,” the man replies in a stunted voice. Dan smiles back at him.

 

“I believe so. If you follow me, I can show you where it would be.” Dan turns on his heels and closes his eyes briefly. He takes a deep breath to calm himself. If there is one thing that he dislikes more than boring days at work, it’s rude customers. He leads the man over to the shelf that holds Stephen Kings works. Dan skims along the shelf to see if they have the book. Unfortunately, they don’t. Dan turns to face the man standing behind him.

 

“I’m sorry sir. It appears that we don’t have any on the shelf.” Dan flashes him an apologetic smile.

 

“Are you sure? You must have overlooked it.” The man’s voice drips disdain. Dan breaths in and out before answering him.

 

“It’s not on the shelf sir. I checked it twice. We may have a copy in the back. I could check for you,” Dan offers. The man grunts before he replies.

 

“You do that.” Dan breaths deep in order to hold his smile.

 

“I will. If you just give me a moment, I’ll be right back. Feel free to look around.” Dan doesn’t give the man a chance to reply before subtly speed walking to the backroom. Once he knows he’s out of sight of the customer, Dan drops his cheery facade. He huffs as he drops himself in the chair in front of their database computer. With a few strokes of the keys, Dan determines that they in fact do have a copy of Mr. Mercedes in the back. Dan makes his way through the storage section. He locates the copy and makes his way back towards the front of the store.

 

Dan finds that the man has moved to the center aisle in his absence. Honestly, the man is quite good looking. He’s someone Dan would go after if he wasn’t a jerk. He plasters his retail smile on his face as approaches the man. He holds the book out towards the man as if it’s a shield.

 

“I found a copy. Here you go.” Up close, Dan can see the flecks of green in the man’s eyes.

 

‘He would be way cuter if he wasn’t being such a jerk,’ Dan thinks to himself.

 

Dan’s fingers brush against the man’s as he hands off the book. He feels a tiny spark of electricity surge through his fingertips. The man continues to look stone faced as Dan jumps slightly at the touch. The man doesn’t seem to have notice the spark.

 

“If that’s all for you, I can help you up at the counter.” Dan gestures towards the counter as he steps back. While trying to put distance between him and the man, Dan runs into an end display. The sudden contact with the shelves causes Dan to jump again. He turns around flailing his arms. The display crashes to the ground. The man watches Dan with an unamused expression.

 

“Oops.” Dan offers the man a weak smile.

 

“Can you hurry up?” the man asks before turning around and hurrying to the register. Dan carefully steps around the mess at his feet. The last thing he needs right now is to trip and wipe out. That would be the icing on top the crap cake that has been this interaction. Dan has just picked himself out of the makeshift mine field when the man speaks again.

 

“Hurry up. I need to be somewhere.” The man is close to shouting at Dan. Dan groans under his breath and marches himself up to the register. He slides behind the counter and rings up the book before slipping it into a bag. He tells the man the total and his handed money. After handing the man his changes, Dan holds out the bag. The man snatches the bag out of his hand. With his free hand, the man recipes his coat and flips up his hood.

 

“Have a great day,” Dan says to the man’s backside. The man grunts in response before hurrying out into the dreary weather. Dan lets out a large sigh once the door shuts behind the man. He closes his eyes and rubs his temples; taking a moment to calm himself down.

 

“What happened here?” a voice behind Dan asks. Dan opens his eyes and turns to face the owner of the voice. His manager Lacey stands next to the carnage of the fallen display. Dan lets out another sigh as he moves to stand closer to the damage.

 

“I backed into it and it fell,” Dan says as he bends down. He begins to start organizing everything to rehang the display.

 

“Why would you do a thing like that?” Lacey asks as she kneels beside him.

 

“I had a particularly rude customer and was trying to put space between us when I bumped into it. It then came crashing down after I whacked it with my arms.”

 

“Why did you hit the poor display?” Lacey asks as she picks up a few more books.

 

“It scared me,” Dan says depanned as he places a few books back onto their shelves. Lacey just shakes her head slightly and chuckles at him.

 

“Well from now on, watch out for scary displays.” Dan sticks his tongue out at her in response. They finish with the display and make their way to the counter. Lacey leans against one side and Dan on the other.

 

“So tell me about this customer. Is he a regular?” Lacey asks after a few moments of silence.

 

“I’ve never seen him before. Then again, I haven’t been here long enough to recognize all the regulars.” Lacey nods her head in agreement. Dan’s only been working at Always Reading a few months. Since a little over a month after he graduated secondary school. Dan goes on to describe the man’s features. Keeping the amazing depths of the man’s eyes to himself. Afterwards, he goes on to tell Lacey about his encounter. She nods along during the entirety of his tale.

 

“It sounds like Phil,” she states after Dan finishes.

 

“Phil?” Dan questions as he furrows his brow. He doesn’t know a Phil as among the regulars.

 

“He works with with Connor. They’re friends. He likes to come in every now and again.” Connor is Lacey’s boyfriend. Dan’s met him a few times.

 

“Is he always that rude?” Dan asks.

 

“No he isn’t. Usually Phil is a ray of sunshine. He must have been having a really bad day.” Dan kind of doubts it, but neither Lacey nor Connor seem like the type to hang out with obviously rude people.

 

“Maybe,” Dan mumbles in a noncommittal way. Lacey smiles and shrugs her shoulders at him.

 

“I have to go finish paperwork. Try not to let any more displays attack you while I’m gone,” she mocks him before turning back towards the office.

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Dan calls after her retreating form. He turns back to the front windows and watches the rain come down.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Phil slowly opens his eyes. Dim light filters through his open curtains. It’s not very bright, but it’s enough to irritate his head. He closes his eyes again and lets out a low groan. His head is throbbing as though he’s hungover. He’s not. It’s just a simple headache. A simple annoying headache that Phil would rather not have to deal with.

 

He rolls over onto his side and looks at his clock. The time is 5:30 am. Phil rolls back over. He squeezes his eyes shut, berries his head in his pillow, and groans once more. Of course he would wake up before his alarm. ‘Damn headache,’ he thinks to himself.

 

Phil lays in bed for roughly twenty more minutes, willing his headache to disappear. The pain increases slightly and Phil knows it’s a loosing battle. He peels himself from beneath his sheets and shuffles his way to the bathroom. He’s grumbling to himself about headaches, alarms, and sunlight as he goes.

 

Phil takes the pain medicine from the cupboard. He twists open the cap and slides two pills into his hand. After reapplying the cap and replacing it in the cupboard, he makes his way to the kitchen to retrieve a glass of water. He gropes blindly for a glass and bumps into one in the process. The glass wobbleson the edge of the shelf before falling onto the counter below. It breaks apart on impact. Phil curses at himself. Partially for breaking a glass and partially for forgetting to put his glasses on before journeying outside of his bedroom.

 

Phil carefully moves back, unsure of where the broken glass lies. He gives it a wide berth and slowly makes his way back out of the kitchen. He moves down to his bedroom and grabs his glasses off the nightstand. He didn’t want to attempt to clean up the glass without being able to see.

 

He returns to the kitchen and sighs with relief. The glass only split in a few large chunks and they’re contained to the counter. Phil grabs the bin and a paper towel. He uses the paper towel to push the glass into the waiting bin below. Once he’s sure that he got all the glass, Phil returns to his original task. The noise from the breaking glass, the kitchen lights, and the prolonged wait have done nothing to help with his headache.

 

Phil finally gets a glass of water and slides the pills in his mouth. They’re a bit warm and sticky due to being clutched in his hand for a while. He grimaces at the bitter taste they leave in his mouth once he’s finally swallowed them. Phil glances at the clock on the wall. It’s 6:20. Phil’s going to have to hustle if he’s going to leave for work on time.

 

He speed walks to the shower. His head throbs in protest. Phil brushes his teeth while waiting for the water to heat up. The shower is still a tad cold when Phil steps inside. However, he can’t wait any longer. After a quick shower, Phil hops out and dries off. He ties a towel around his waist and scuttles off to his room. He’s hurrying around his room throwing clothes on when something catches his eyes.

 

On his desk sits a white bag. The words _Always Reading_ are scrawled across the front in red script. Phil furrows his brow as the memories of yesterday come rushing back to him. He shakes his head in an attempt dispel them. He doesn’t have time for a trip down memory lane right now. He throws on his jacket, grabs his wallet, then his keys, and heads out the door.

 

The sky looms grey above Phil as he makes his way down towards the underground. It looks much like yesterday and Phil’s grateful for it in a way. At least there is no blinding sunlight to exasperate his headache.

 

Finally stepping out of the underground at his stop gives Phil a moment of reprieve. A headache combined with rush hour traffic and a lack of caffeine has made Phil especially grumpy. He relishes in the thinner crowd as he makes his way to his office building.

 

The lobby of his building is even quieter. His steps echo across the floor and ring in his ears. He steps into a waiting elevator and lets it whisk him away to his floor. Stepping out of the elevator, he throws a half hearted wave at the receptionist. Phil then slinks off in the direction of the break room.

 

Stepping inside the room, Phil finds that it’s already occupied by someone. Phil doesn’t give them a glance as he makes his way over to the coffee pot. He grabs his mug from the cupboard and fills it. Once he’s added the sugar and milk, he takes a long drink. The coffee burns his mouth and throat on the way down. Phil inhales sharply at the feeling. Once he’s finished his coffee in record time, Phil pours himself a second cup. After he adds his extras, Phil finally turns around to address the body in the room. He’s delighted to see that it’s Connor.

 

Phil met Connor when he began working here about two years ago following his graduation from university. He’s a good guy. Phil luckily get’s along with both Connor and his girlfriend Lacey. He likes that he can consider them both friends considering he doesn’t have many of those. Seeing Connor reminds Phil of Lacey. Thinking of Lacey reminds Phil of yesterday. Phil groans at the thought of yesterday.

 

“Rough night?” Connor asks with a smirk. Phil looks over at him and rolls his eyes before closing them.

 

“Not exactly,” Phil replies before pinching the bridge of his nose. Connor lets out a chuckle and Phil opens his eyes to glare at him.

 

“Then what happened to you?” Connor asks. Phil opens his mouth to reply, but catches sight of the wall on the clock.

 

“I’ll tell you at lunch,” Phil offers before downing the rest of his coffee. He quickly washes his cup out before walking off to his desk. Connor just watches Phil go before shaking his head and following him.

 

The morning drags on painfully slow for Phil. The medicine has worn off and his headache has turned into a dull ache. He shields his eyes from the annoying overhead lights as he rummages through his desk drawer in search of more medicine. He luckily finds some. They slide down his throat with little problem and Phil lets out a sigh of relief. Hopefully, they will do the trick.

 

Lunch finally arrived after what felt like an eternity. Phil slowly drags himself towards the elevators. Connor is already waiting there for him. Neither man greets the other as they step inside and head towards the ground floor. Finally, after they’re already seated inside a café, the men finally acknowledge the other’s presence.

 

“So, you still like shit,” Connor breaks the silence with a smirk on his face. Phil sighs, but silently agrees. He’s exhausted and can feel his headache starting up again.

 

“Thanks,” Phil replies dryly. Giving a flat chuckle, he looks away from Connor.

 

“You wanna talk about it?” asks Connor. Phil looked around the café. The hustle of people, the scraping of cutlery on plates, and the pleasant chatter floated around them. It’s not the most ideal place to dump his problems. He felt as though his darkness would cloud the sunny place. However, there is no better time than the present. Plus, Connor is a friend who cares about Phil and is waiting patiently for him to continue.

 

“I had a really crappy day yesterday. I’m also not having the greatest day today either.” Phil sighs. Connor nods his head in understanding.

 

“What happened yesterday?” Connor asks while he begins to dig into his waiting food.

 

“I completely overslept yesterday, so I was already running behind. So I forgot my umbrella which came back to bite me many times.” Phil pauses to take a few bites of his meal.

 

“It did rain a lot yesterday,” Connor says absentmindedly. Phil nods.

 

“When I finally got to the office, Gregg yelled at me for being late.” Connor cringes inwardly at the memory of their manager yelling at Phil.

 

“Yeah, I remember that.”

 

“Then I spilled coffee all over my shirt right before I had to go that meeting. They all looked at me like I was an idiot. I was totally unprepared and had misplaced one of the papers I needed.” Connor looks at him knowingly. He had heard that the meeting had gone less than stellar.

 

“Now Gregg’s breathing down my neck and triple checking all my work. After work I stopped by Always Reading in hopes of getting a book to cheer myself up. However, it didn’t really go as planned.” Phil sighs as the memories of the bookstore assault his brain.

 

“What do you mean?” Connor asks knowingly. He already knows how the trip to the bookstore went after hearing it from Lacey.

 

“There was this kid and I kinda took my anger out on him. I was a jerk and made a fool of myself to him.”

 

“You? A jerk?” Connor asks pretending to be shock. Phil rolls his eyes and flashes his friend a slight smirk.

 

“I was short with him and kinda harsh. He was just trying to help and I wasn’t much help at all. He went to see if they had anymore copies of the book I wanted. While he was gone, I got a message from my mom reminding me I had dinner with them. I was running late and had no time to change as it was. I was in such a hurry that I yelled at him. The poor kid knocked over a display and I just kept yelling.” Phil groans and cringes before dropping his head into his open hands. Connor chuckles quietly.

 

“I know,” Connor says. Phil looks up and him with a questioning look on his face.

 

“Lacey told me,” Connor states matter of factly. Phil nods at the realization.

 

“Of course Lacey would tell you. What did she say?”

 

“That Dan described a customer that sounded a lot like you, but grumpier. She asked me about why you would be like that and I explained that you seemed to be having a rough day at work. She said that she figured and tried to make it clear to Dan that you weren’t normally like that. Lacey said he didn’t say much so I don’t think you have to worry about him really holding a grudge.” Phil hadn’t expressed worry over whether the boy would still stay mad at him, but he was. Phil didn’t like people being mad at him. He had made it his mission to brighten the day of the people around him.

 

“Wait, who’s Dan?” Phil asks as soon as the thought hits him.

 

“He’s the worker that you were a jerk to.” Connor answers as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Phil nods in realization.

 

“Oh yeah right. I’ve never seen him before.” Phil states in a flustered manner. Connor pretends not to notice.

 

“He’s been there a few months. Not too long after graduating secondary school. Lacey likes him. She says he’s nice and a pretty decent worker.” Connor shrugs.

 

“That makes sense. I haven’t been there in a while and he did look kind of young. I didn’t really get a good look at him though. I was too busy being a jerk,” Phil says half heartedly.

 

“Lacey says that he didn’t seem to be too horribly upset about your rudeness,” Connor restates his earlier statement. Phil thinks for a moment. It is really bugging him that he was rude to a shop worker. Phil makes a point to be especially nice to them because he was one of them when he was an undergrad. Connor probably can see the guilt written all over his face. Hence the statement.

 

“Do you think that I should still apologize though?” Phil asks.

 

“If you want. You don’t have to, but I know how you are. You’ll fret about it until it eats you alive,” Connor says with a small smile. Phil nods his head.

 

“What if he doesn’t want to accept my apology?” Phil asks worriedly.

 

“Then that’s on him. All you can do is try. If he doesn’t want to listen, that’s on him not you.” Phil lets Connor’s words roll around in his head for a moment. If this Dan doesn’t want to accept Phil’s apology, than he isn’t worth anymore of Phil’s time. At least Phil will be able to say that he tried and it will clear his conscience. Phil nods his head.

 

“Alright, I think I will try. At the very least, I’ll be able to say that I try.” Connor smiles at him.

 

“Good idea. You could try on Saturday. That way you have time to think of what to say and hopefully be in a better mood,” Connor suggests. Phil thinks for a moment.

 

“Yeah, I think I will,” Phil answers with a small smile. Both men rise and clear their area. The walk back towards their building. Phil feels slightly better. Even though the sky is still grey and he still has a slight headache. He’s going to apologize and hopefully make amends for his horrible behavior.


	3. Chapter 3

Phil’s conversation with Connor has been replaying in his head all week. He knows that he has to apologize. Phil isn’t one to leave things in a bad state if he can help it. Plus he already told Connor that he would.

 

This is part of the pep talkPhil gave himself outside of _Always Reading_ the following Saturday. The day was sunny with a few clouds. It’s about as good as the weather gets this time of year. Phil has paused outside of the shop so he can look through the windows. He can see a few people, but not anyone that looks like Dan. Phil’s mind starts going into overdrive. Thoughts of what if swirling around, muddling together. He closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths. ‘If he’s not here, than I’ll another day,’ Phil tells himself. Phil opens his eyes as he hears the door pulled open. A group of about three-five people make their way inside the shop, Phil shuffles in behind them. ‘It’s now or never,’ Phil thinks as he steps inside the shop.

 

It looks exactly how it did on Monday. Bookshelves wrap around the perimeter. Seating areas are off to both sides of the entrance. A large circular desk serves as the checkout. It sits about halfway between the entrance and the bookshelves. The shelves behind the desk stand in even rows with a wide space in the middle to make a center aisle. They are perfectly spaced on either side as if they are soldiers waiting for their orders. Soft light permeates the space. It’s bright enough to read with, but not harsh enough to be blinding. The air smells of printed pages and vanilla cinnamon.

 

Phil scans the store. A few groups can be heard, but Dan isn’t behind the desk like he was last time. Phil walks around the desk and heads down the middle aisle slowly. He’s checking each side for the boy. About halfway down, he sees someone that vaguely looks like the missing clerk. The person is knelt down and seems focused on putting books away.

 

“Excuse me. Do you work here?” Phil asks quietly. The person turns towards him before standing up. The man in front of Phil is a few inches shorter than Phil himself. His hair is dark brown and swept off the side, coming to rest above his left eye. He’s got endless, thick, dark lashes that frame his caramel chocolate eyes. The man’s lips are plump and look like they would be sweet to the taste. He’s wearing a dark shirt with a llama on it. The shirt looks slightly too big for him, making him look smaller than he already is. Nondescript black skinny jeans adorn his legs and end at his black hightops. Phil feels his breath catch in his throat. ‘Oh god! Don’t tell me this is Dan. Please don’t let this be Dan,’ Phil shouts to the universe in his head.

 

Dan stares at the man down the aisle at him. ‘Oh great,’ he thinks to himself, ‘it’s the rude customer back again for round two.’ Dan realizes that they’ve been staring at each other in silence for over a minute before he thinks to break the silence.

 

“Can I help you?” Dan strains through his forced smile. Phil blinks a few times at the sound of Dan’s words. Phil smiles at the boy.

 

“Were you the guy working on Monday?” Phil asks with hesitation. Dan’s eyes narrow.

 

“Yes I was,” he answers stiffly.

 

“Do you remember me?”

 

“Yes I do.” Relief sweeps across Phil’s face. The worry leaves his body and his shoulders sag. He takes a moment, than straightens his posture once more.

 

“I would like to apologize for my behavior.” Dan is a bit taken aback. ‘Is a rude customer actually apologizing for their behavior?’ Dan gives the man a small smile.

 

“It’s fine,” he says. Phil shakes his head.

 

“It’s really not. I had a bad day at work. However, I shouldn’t have taken that out on you. I’m very sorry.” Phil flashes the clerk a genuine smile. Dan gives one in response.

 

“It’s alright. Thank you for apologizing though.”

 

“Let me make it up to you though. Let me get you a coffee or something. When’s your break?” Before Dan can answer, another customer wanders into the aisle.

 

“Excuse me,” they call out. Dan gives Phil a look as if to say ‘hang on one moment’ and turns to face the other customer.

 

“I’ll be with you in one moment. Sorry.” After a confirming nod from the customer, he turns around to face Phil again.

 

“Sorry. I’ve already had my break.” Phil’s face falls. Upon seeing the dejected look on the man’s face, Dan quickly speaks again. “However, I get off at five. We could go then.” A smile breaks out across Phil’s face. Upon seeing the smile, Dan contorts his face to match.

 

“Five works for me. I’ll see you then.” With that, Phil turns on his heels and walks down the aisle. He could have sworn he felt Dan staring, but when he turned around, the boy was already walking back down the aisle the other way. Phil finds a random book and situates himself in one of the sitting areas. A quick check of his phone tells him that he only has roughly two and a half hours until Dan gets off. He can wait.

 

Dan helped a string of customers in a row. It wasn’t until about 3:30 when he found himself behind the front desk with a spare moment to himself. He glances over in the other man’s direction. The man is wearing another checkered shirt, this one in blue. It works well with his dark skinny jeans and hightops. The man’s hair has fallen in his face, but that hasn’t deterred him from the book he appears to be lost in. ‘Why did I agree to get coffee with him?’ Dan asks himself. Just then, the man turns to face him as if he could feel the weight of Dan’s stare. His electric blue eyes meet Dan’s brown ones. ‘Oh yeah. That’s why.’

 

Phil gives Dan a small smile. Dan adverts his gaze once he realizes that he’s been caught. Phil lets out a little chuckle under his breath and turns his attention back to his book. However, he finds himself glancing over at Dan about every five seconds. On one of his glances, he notices that Lacey has joined Dan behind the counter. He waves and smiles at the sight of her. She waves back at him.

“Who are you waving at?” Dan asks Lacey as he turns around. Of course it’s mystery man. Dan had purposely turned his back on him so that he wasn’t tempted to blatantly stare at him. ‘Crap. I never got his name.’ Dan suddenly realizing that he never asked the customer’s name.

 

“Phil,” she answers without looking up from the notes in front of her.

 

“That’s the rude customer from Monday,” Dan whispers to her. Lacey looks up at him and raises one of her eyebrows.

 

“Really? I mean I told you feature wise it sounded like Phil, but personality wise I wasn’t sure.” Dan nods while remembering their conversation from Monday.

 

“Uh huh. He said that he was having a bad day.” Lacey turns and faces Dan straight on.

 

“How do you know that?” Lacey asks questioningly. She already knows about all of this from Connor, but she’s wondering how Dan knows. She remembers vaguely mentioning off hand that Phil might have been having a bad day, but it wasn’t until she talked to Connor later that she had it basically confirmed for her. She doesn’t remember ever definitively confirming it to Dan though and he sounds pretty sure of himself.

 

“He told me,” Dan replies nonchalantly. Lacey raises her eyebrows at him.

 

“When did he do that?”

 

“A little over an hour ago when he apologized,” Dan searches his brain for a more solid answer to how much time has passed since Phil’s apology.

 

“That sounds more like the Phil I know,” Lacey says before turning back to her work.

 

“Probably. We’re going to grab coffee after I get off,” Dan says off hand. Lacey drops the paper she was holding. It floats gently down to the desktop. She turns back to face Dan with a look of mild shock on her face. Dan catches her looking at him out of the corner of his eye. “Might want to pick your jaw up off the floor,” Dan says with a chuckle. Lacey snaps her mouth shut quickly. Then opens it again a moment later.

 

“Why?” Dan gives her a look of confusion.

 

“Should I not get coffee with him?” Lacey shakes her head.

 

“That’s not what I meant. Of course you should get coffee with him if you want. I’m just a bit lost on how an apology leads to a coffee date.” Dan slightly glares at her.

 

“It’s not a coffee date. He wanted to get me a coffee to make up for being rude to me. I’m letting him get me a coffee. That’s it. There’s no date,” Dan replies firmly.

 

“That really does sound like Phil. He’s always trying to fix things with a beverage,” Lacey shakes her head in amusement. “I thought you were mad at him because he was rude.”

 

“I was a little, but nothing too crazy. He came back and apologized so that’s something.” Lacey nods her head in agreement. “Plus, he’s kinda cute so I figured why not. Worst case scenario is that I waste an hour of my life.” Lacey rolls her eyes and laughs at the boy.

 

“Good luck with coffee then,” Lacey says before gathering her papers and heading to the back. Dan glances over his shoulder and smiles at Phil. ‘Yeah, he’s definitely cute,’ he thinks to himself before leaving to help a customer.

 

Phil spends the last hour of Dan’s shift watching him and the clock on his phone. At five to five, Phil gets up and puts his book back on the shelf. He grabs his coat and puts it on as he makes his way to the door. He zips it up and steps outside. He watches as Dan guides the last few customers out the door after Phil. Dan flashes Phil a smile before disappearing back inside of the store. At roughly 5:10, Dan comes walking out the front door. He’s wearing a leather jacket over his outfit. He shuts the door behind him and pauses in order to lock it.

 

“My manager’s going out the back way,” Dan explains to Phil’s confused face. Phil nods his head.

 

“Ready for coffee?” Phil asks.

 

“Oh yes,” Dan replies before stepping away from the door.

 

“This way then,” Phil says before turning on his heels and taking a few steps down the street. It doesn’t take long Dan to fall in step beside Phil. Neither of them are making much of an effort to make conversation. They get about halfway down the block before Phil comes to a dead halt. Dan stops a step ahead of him and turns back slightly to look at him with confusion. Phil smacks his forehead with his palm.

 

“Why did you stop? What was that for?” Dan questions. Phil shakes his head.

 

“I totally forgot to introduce myself. I’m Phil by the way.” Phil sticks out his right hand and offers it to Dan with a smile. Dan looks down at the hand with a moment of brief confusion before he shakes his head. He smiles at Phil and takes his hand.

 

“I know. Lacey told me. I’m Dan.” Phil smiles wider as they shake hands.

 

“I know. Connor told me,” Phil retorts. They drop their hands and both boys break out in laughter as they make their way down to the coffee shop.


	4. Chapter 4

Feet slap against the pavement. Dan on the right and Phil on the left. They maneuver the sidewalk; moving when they come across people. However, they always end up next to each other again.

 

They don’t really talk at all on the way to the café. A comfortable silence envelopes them. They make their way into the café and fall in line to order.

 

“What do you want?” Phil asks after turning to face Dan. Dan sweeps his eyes over the board, but the choices all blur together.

 

“What are you getting?” Dan asks Phil.

 

“A hot caramel macchiato,” Phil replies with a smile. Dan smiles back at him.

 

“I think I’ll get the same.”

 

“Good. You won’t regret it,” Phil flashes Dan a cheeky smile and turns towards the worker to order. Phil handed the cashier money and Dan stepped off the side to move out of other peoples’ way. He was standing by the pick-up area when Phil joined him a moment later.

 

“Why don’t you go get us a seat? I’ll wait for the drinks,” Phil offers. Dan nods and turns around to scan the shop. Chairs and tables are scattered throughout the space. Low lights and art works accent the space. Dan spotted a pair of chairs in a semi secluded corner. He makes his way over and sits down. He watches Phil make his way carefully across the shop towards Dan.

 

“Whew!” Phil exclaims as he flops down into the chair across from Dan. Dan watches the way that Phil’s hair falls in his eyes and he blows it away. A small smile graces Dan’s lips.

 

“Thanks for this,” Dan says gestures towards Phil with his raised coffee cup. Phil nods and takes a sip out of his own coffee cup.

 

“So tell me something about you,” Phil says after a few minutes of silence. Dan raised his head from staring at his coffee cup and looks at Phil.

 

“What do you want to know?” Dan asks.

 

“What’s your last name? That’s a great place to start,” Phil replies.

 

“Howell. Yours?”

 

“Lester.”

 

“What do you do?” Dan takes a sip of his coffee.

 

“Office work.”

 

“Do you like it?”

 

“I don’t mind it. It’s mainly busy work, but it does have some upsides. Weekends off and I met Connor so that’s something,” Phil answers before taking a sip of his coffee.

 

“How long have you known Connor?” Dan asks.

 

“About two years now. I met him once I started working there after I graduated from university.” Phil smiles at Dan. Dan goes quiet for a moment and Phil uses the pause to interject his own question.

 

“How long have you known Lacey?” Phil knows the rough answer to this from speaking to Connor. However, he would rather hear the answer from Dan himself. Dan smiles at the mention of his friend/manager.

 

“For a few months. I got hired back in July. I just graduated from secondary school and I need a job.”

 

“So you’re eighteen?”

 

“Yep. How are you?”

 

“I’m twenty-three.” Dan feels his face flush pink. He knew that he was younger than the man sat across from him. However, he didn’t realize how young. Dan suddenly feels like a child compared to Phil.

 

Phil knew that he was older than Dan. Connor had mentioned it and Dan just looked young. Phil wondered if Dan felt weird about their age gap. Phil had no problem with it, but he wouldn’t want to do anything to make Dan uncomfortable.

 

“Are you going to university?” Phil asks; breaking the silence they had lapsed into. Dan shook his head.

 

“No I’m not. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I figured there was no point in me going if I was clueless. So I decided to take a gap year. When I told my parents, they weren’t too happy. My mom gets it though. She made me get a job because she said it was uni or a job. Clearly, I wasn’t going to uni so job it was. That’s how I ended up at the bookstore.” Phil mulls over this new information for a moment.

 

“That makes sense. It’s better to wait and not just jump into it. You don’t want to wait to long though. Otherwise it will be harder to get back to it.”

 

“That’s true. It’s just a gap year. It’s not like tons of things are going to change in a year. Other than me making up my mid about what to do at uni. I’m currently saving up to move out of my parents’ house though. Then, I plan to go to school around here.”

 

“That’s a good goal. It’s nice to have some independence.” Dan nods in agreement. They have lapsed into another comfortable silence.

 

“What’s your favorite band?” asks Dan.

 

“Muse,” Phil replies. A large smile breaks out on Dan’s face. Phil feels his heart skip a beat. He would love to see Dan smile like that all the time.

 

“They’re my favorite too!” Dan exclaims. Phil’s smile mirrors Dan’s. This leads into a long discussion about various bands and artists. After a while, they slide from music to film to literature. They discover that they have a lot in common. Yet, there are enough differences between the two of them to keep things interesting.

 

Someone approaches them from the side and touches Phil’s left shoulder. He jumps at the contact and Dan dissolves into a fit of giggles. Dan giggling is music to Phil’s ears. He is smileing at the sound when he turns to face the unknown person. A worker stands next to them with a smile on her face.

 

“I’m sorry to scare you. I just wanted to let you know that we’re closing soon.” Dan and Phil look around the café. They had been so wrapped up in their own world that they didn’t notice the changes happening around them. Darkness has converged upon the city. The café is nearly empty. One or two other groups grace the interior.

 

“It’s fine,” Phil replies, “We will get going.” The worker nods her head and walks back towards the counter.

 

“We best be going,” Phil says after he’s already stood up. Dan looks up at the man and internally frowns. He doesn’t want this night to end. Phil reaches his hand towards Dan. Dan takes Phil’s hand and feels himself being tugged to his feet. They find themselves face to face. Phil feels himself smile at how close Dan is. He can feel Dan’s body heat. It’s a nice warmth that makes Phil feel happiness.

 

Phil drops Dan’s hand and moves away from the table. Dan follows behind him. They step out the café. The street is quiet. Light from the street lamps and a few shops illuminate the space. There is a chill in the air from the October weather. Phil turns to face Dan. Dan looks down at his shoes and shuffles awkwardly.

 

“Can I have your number?” Phil asks. Dan looks up at him and nods his head. They each dig their respective phones out of their pockets and exchange them. After inputting their information, they swap their phones back.

 

“I’ll text you sometime,” Phil says.

 

“Sounds good,” Dan replies with a smile and a nod. Phil waves bye at him. Then he turns and heads for the local tube station. Dan watches him go until he’s around the corner. With a sigh, Dan turns around and heads off towards home.

 

Dan climbs into bed later that night with thoughts of Phil swarming his mind. He lays on his back with one arm under his head and stares at the ceiling while replaying the day in his head. They have a lot in common and Dan feels as though there is a connection that he can’t quite explain. The sound of his phone going off breaks him of his thoughts. Reaching over, he grabs his phone and sees that he has a new message.

 

**From: Phil**

I had a great time tonight! :)

 

**To: Phil**

so did i! :)

 

**From: Phil**

We will have to get together again soon :)

 

**To: Phil**

yes we will :P

 

**From: Phil**

Goodnight! Sweet dreams x

 

Dan stares at the ‘x’ at the end of Phil’s last text. He can feel his heart flutter briefly.

 

 _“It probably doesn’t mean anything,”_ he tries to convince himself.

 

Dan briefly considers that he is possibly developing a crush on Phil. He shakes his head and pushes the thought out of his head. Dan locks his phone and sets it on his side table. He closes his eyes and falls asleep with a smile on his face.


	5. Chapter 5

Dan didn’t see Phil until a week later. They had texted everyday since. Dan was trudging through another long day at work when the bell above the door sounds. He turns to greet the customer and a huge smile spreads across his face.

 

“Why hello good sir. What brings you in today?” Dan bows towards Phil. Phil laughs at the sight of Dan.

 

“I have come in search of a book my good man.” Phil does an awkward half bow with a sweeping arm gesture. Dan laughs at the sight of his friend.

 

“Alright, alright. Quit messing around you two,” a voice from behind Dan says. They both look only to find Lacey making her way towards the front.

 

“Fun killer,” Dan mumbles under his breath.

 

“I heard that,” Lacey says as she crooks a finger at him. Phil is laughing behind him and Dan looks sheepishly at Lacey.

 

“Come along Phil. Let us find you a book,” Dan says. He steps out from behind the counter and holds his arm out for Phil. Phil links his arm with Dan’s. They go strolling down the middle aisle and leave Lacey behind rolling her eyes at them.

 

“Did you really come in here for a book?” Dan asks when they’re about halfway down the main aisle.

 

“Yes I did,” Phil replies before dropping Dan’s arm.

 

“What are you looking for?” Dan asks.

 

“Another Stephen King,” Phil answers. Dan leads him down to the bookshelf that holds Stephen King’s works. He stops right in front of it and Phil bumps into his back.

 

“I’m sorry,” Phil apologizes. Dan rubs his back.

 

“It’s okay. Do you have a title in mind?” Dan gestures to the shelves in front of them.

 

“Um-No. What do you recommend?” Dan thinks for a moment. Phil watches the lightbulb go off in the boy’s head. Phil watches Dan scan the shelf, then pull out a book. Phil opens his hands and Dan drops the book into them. Phil looks at the cover with a questioning look upon his face.

 

“ _Everything’s Eventual_ is one of his collection of short stories. My favorite actually. I think you’ll really enjoy it,” Dan explains. Phil’s face lights up in a smile. He’s happy that Dan trusts him enough to share one of his favorite books with him.

 

“I can’t wait to read it.” Dan can’t help, but smile at Phil. When he’s happy, Phil expels an infectious ray of sunshine. Dan can’t stop himself from being happy when Phil’s around.

 

“Are you done or are you going to shop around a bit more?” Dan asks.

 

“I’m done. I have to get going anyways. I have errands I need to finish.” Dan tries to keep Phil from seeing his disappointment, but Phil sees it anyway. However, he doesn’t bring that fact to Dan’s attention. He doesn’t want to go either, but he has errands to run before the other shops close.

 

Dan leads Phil to the front and rings him up. Phil pays and they stand there in a moment of awkwardness. Neither make a move, but Phil knows that he has to get going.

 

“I’ll text you later,” Phil states. Dan nods and gives Phil a small wave. Phil waves back and makes his way back onto the street. Dan watches until he disappears from sight, then he lets his face fall. Lacey slides up next to him.

 

“You two seem to be hitting it off.” Dan jumps slightly at the sound of her voice. Lacey chuckles at his reaction.

 

“Yeah, I think we are,” Dan answers back.

 

“Are you going to ask him out?” Lacey asks. She fiddles with a few papers on the desk while waiting for Dan’s answer. Dan ponders the thought for a moment.

 

“Why would I do that?” he asks. Lacey shrugs.

 

“Why not? It looks like you have a crush on him.” Dan shakes his head.

 

“We’re just friends,” he says. Lacey raises her eyebrow at him.

 

“Okay. Whatever you say.” With that, she turns on her heels and heads back towards the office. Dan replays their conversation over in his head.

 

 _“Do I like Phil? He’s attractive and nice, but do I like him in that way?”_ Dan decides that it would be better for him and Phil to stay friends for the time being. Then, they can see where things go.

 

Phil hurries along the street. He has a few places that he has a few errands to run before he has to get home and get ready. He has a date tonight. One of his university friends set him up on a blind date with one of their coworkers. Phil was a bit hesitant at first. However, it’s not like he’s got men beating down his door. He figured that at least he will get a nice dinner out of it.

 

Phil rushes through his errands and arrives home with just enough time to get ready. Dan finishes up work and helps Lacey close down the shop. Dan walks home and Phil walks towards the tube that will lead him to his date.

 

Once Dan arrives home, he clammers up to his room and flops on his bed. He lays there for a few minutes before he gets up. He changes into comfy clothes and settles onto his bed with his laptop across his lap.

 

Phil arrives at the restaurant with five minutes to spare. He thought that he was going to be late and slightly sped walked. He’s just happy that he made it on time and isn’t drenched in sweat. That was another worry of his.

 

While Dan waits for his favored websites to load, he scrolls through the channels on his tv. It’s Saturday night, so there’s not a ton on at the moment. He settles on a random cooking show and lets it play in the background. He looks at his laptop screen for a moment before a thought pops into his head.

 

 _“Maybe Phil’s having as boring of a night as I am. Maybe he would want to hang out.”_ Dan picks up his phone and opens Phil’s text conversation.

 

**To: Phil**

**Hey. What are you up to??**

 

Dan settles back against his pillows and waits for Phil’s reply.To keep himself occupied, he starts scrolling through various websites.

 

Phil’s standing off to the side of the entrance of the restaurant. He’s trying to remember the description of his date that his friend gave him. He’s suddenly jolted out of his thoughts by someone touching his arm. He jumps at the contact.

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” a deep voice says. Phil looks up and into the prettiest green eyes he’s ever seen.

 

“Are you Phil?” the man asks. Phil mentally shakes his head and remembers how to use his words.

 

“Yes I am. Are you Andrew?” Phil asks back. The man gives a relieved smile.

 

“Yes I am. Nice to meet you.” Andrew sticks out his hand and Phil shakes it. They both smile at each other.

 

“Shall we go eat?” Andrew asks as he gestures to the rest of the restaurant.

 

“Yes please,” Phil replies with a smile and a nod. Andrew lets out a soft chuckle and Phil feels his heart melt a little. He hears his phone beep indicating that he has a new text message. However, he decides that he will look at it later.

 

A waiter leads them to their table and they settle in. Andrew and Phil go through all the first date questions. They found out each others’ last names (Yates, Lester), favorite tv shows (Buffy), and favorite movies (Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill). They laughed at each others’ jokes and smiles at stories. All in all, it was a successful first date.

 

Across town, Dan’s night was going less than stellar. Nothing was really happening online and television was a drag. He kept checking his phone every ten minutes to see if Phil had messaged him back. Phil usually texted him when he said he would, so Dan was a little worried. However, he had just met Phil so he can’t really say much.

 

 _“He’s probably busy. Don’t freak out.”_ Dan tries to reassure himself.

 

Dinner has ended and Phil is being led by Andrew out of the restaurant. They stroll down the street with an easy leisure and admiring the items in various windows. Phil has a smile plastered onto his face. They arrive outside the tube station that is going to take Phil back to his home. Andrew lives closer to the restaurant and is walking home.

 

“I had a really great time tonight,” Andrew confesses.

 

“So did I,” Phil agrees.

 

“Would you like to do this again sometime?” Andrew asks.

 

“Yes, I would.” They exchange numbers and head their separate ways. Phil’s slightly disappointed about not receiving a goodnight kiss, but he’s not too worried. There’s always next time.

 

He glances down at the phone in his hand and remembers the text message from earlier. It’s from Dan. He reads it over and glances at the clock at the top of his phone. It’s nearly ten o’clock. It’s way too late for Phil to go back out again.

 

Dan hears his phone go off. He scrambles to unlock it. It’s a message from Phil.

 

**To: Dan**

**Sorry. I just got your message. I was busy tonight.**

 

Dan is slightly disappointed, but it’s not the biggest deal to him. Dan quickly types out a reply.

 

**To: Phil**

**np. I’ll see you at the shop tomorrow right?**

 

**To: Dan**

**yes**

 

Dan locks his phone and goes back to browsing the depths of the internet. Later that night, Dan fell asleep and found himself dreaming of Phil.

 

Over the next couple of weeks, Dan and Phil became even closer. Phil was dividing his free time between hanging out with Andrew and hanging out with Dan at the bookstore. If the two of them weren’t together, than Dan and Phil were texting.

 

Dan finds himself feeling a little incomplete without Phil by his side. Phil is really enjoying Dan’s company. Dan’s starting to realize that he may have a slight crush on Phil.

 

About three weeks after the date with Andrew, Phil strolls into the bookstore. Dan is behind the counter as per usual. Dan feels his face light up at the sight of Phil. Phil leans against the counter and Dan finds himself wanting to brush the hair out of his face.

 

 _“Okay, I might have a crush.”_ Dan thinks to himself.

 

“What are you doing tonight?” Phil asks Dan, pulling him out of his head. Dan thinks for a moment. There’s nothing waiting for him except his tv and his computer. Dan shakes his head.

 

“Nothing. Why?” Phil’s face lights up.

 

“Great. You’re coming over,” Phil says with a smile.

 

“Alright. What time and where do you live?” Dan asks.

 

“After you get off and I’ll text you my address,” Phil replies.

 

“Sounds like a plan.” With a wave, Phil disappeared out the door. Dan furrows his brow at him before shaking it off. He will see him in a few short hours anyway.

 

Phil hurried to the store and bought a few snacks for the night. He figured that they would order take out anyway. Once he arrives home, he cleans up his flat in a rush. Andrew had texted him about them hanging out that night, but Phil declined. He explained that he was having a friend over. Andrew doesn’t mind and they make plans to meet the next day for lunch.

 

Phil’s throwing the last of his dirty clothes in his wardrobe when the door bell rings. He skids into a stop in front of the door and flings it open. Dan is standing on the other side.

 

“Come in,” Phil gestures to the flat behind him with a smile. Dan steps through the door and Phil closes it behind him. Phil takes Dan’s jacket from him and leads him into the living room. They settle onto the couch and into easy conversation.

 

Phil notices how nice Dan looks. He’s wearing a different outfit than the one Phil saw him in earlier in the day. Dan’s wearing tight, black skinnies and tight fitting t-shirt. He had run home after work to change. Dan wanted to look nice for Phil and yet still casual. Phil notices how nice Dan looks in his outfit.

 

They end up playing video games and ordering Chinese takeout. Laughter fills the apartment and they’ve each never been happier. As the night drags on, they end up deciding to watch a movie. It’s getting late and Dan’s considering going home. Not that he wants to leave, but he doesn’t want to impose on Phil.

 

Phil grabs a blanket off of his bed and sitting back down closer to Dan on the couch. He offers part of the blanket to Dan and he gladly accepts. About halfway through he movie, they manage to end up cuddling.

 

Phil relishes at the warmth Dan’s providing and Dan’s happy to be able to be close to Phil. The movie is starting to wind down when Phil glances over at Dan. The boy is asleep with his head on Phil’s shoulder.

 

 _“He’s really cute when he’s asleep.”_ Phil thinks to himself. He adjust himself slightly so that Dan and him can comfortable sleep on the couch. Then, he allows himself to drift off to sleep.

 

Dan wakes the next morning to find himself really close to Phil’s face. They ended up cuddling each other close in their sleep.

 

“Morning,” Phil croaks out. Dan smiles at him sleepily.

 

“Morning.” Dan sits up and stretches. He can’t help, but notice the way that Phil glances down at his exposed skin from his shirt riding up. Dan smiles to himself.

 

“I should get going. I have to work soon,” Dan says once he’s caught sight of the time on his phone.

 

“Alright.” Phil doesn’t mean to sound sad, but he doesn’t really want Dan to leave just yet. Dan gives him a small smile.

 

“Will you be by later?” Dan asks as he stands up from the couch. Phil shakes his head.

 

“Not today. I have plans.” Dan frowns at his friend.

 

“Alrighty then. I guess I’ll see you later than.” Phil nods in agreement. He shows Dan out and lets out a soft sigh as the door closes. He wishes to himself that Dan didn’t have to leave. He makes his way through his flat to get ready for his day with Andrew.


	6. Chapter 6

Dan doesn’t work on Monday, so his next day in the shop is Tuesday. It’s drizzling outside and the store has been quiet all day. He’s flipping through a magazine behind the counter when the bell above the door goes off. Phil steps through the door.

 

“Hey. What’s up?” Dan asks with a smile. Phil shakes the water off his coat. He approaches the counter and grins widely at Dan.

 

“I haven’t seen my best friend in two days. I’m itching for my Dan fix,” he says with a wink. Dan laughs. He gives Phil’s shoulder a playful shove. Phil’s tongue pokes out between his teeth and he laughs. Dan loves his laugh. Phil’s laugh could be the only thing Dan hears for the rest of his life and he would be perfectly okay with that.

 

“Shove off,” Dan says. Phil keeps smiling at him. Dan flits his eyes away and can feel his cheeks flash pink. He’s slowly accepting that he’s developed a crush on Phil. He can’t help it. Phil’s a giant ball of happy sunshine and Dan’s the moth drawn to his light.

 

Phil follows Dan around the shop, watching him work. Dan spends more time watching Phil than actually working. He starts noticing little things about Phil. The way he always seems to need to touch Dan. The way that he laughs at Dan’s jokes. He wonders if Phil likes him back.

 

Phil stays until closing and walks out with Dan once he’s finished locking up. They stand awkwardly outside the store. Neither want to go home, but they don’t want to be the one to make the first move.

 

“Are you busy this weekend?” Dan asks in order to break the silence. Phil thinks for a moment.

 

“Yes I am,” he answers. Dan can feel his mouth start to frown. He quickly pulls his mouth into a smirk to hide his disappointment.

 

“All weekend?” Dan questions. Phil nods his head.

 

“Yeah. I’m going out of town,” Phil explains. Dan lets out a soft ‘oh’, but doesn’t press the issue. Silence settles between them.

 

“I’ll see you then,” Dan says with a small wave. Phil nods his head and waves back. They part ways and head to their separate homes.

 

Phil is unable to return to the bookstore for the rest of the week. Between work and packing for the weekend, he just hasn’t had the time. Dan’s not happy about it, but he understands. When they had lunch on Sunday, Andrew asked if Phil would like to join him for a few days out of the city. Phil, of course, said yes.

 

Phil’s not trying to keep Andrew from Dan. He just hasn’t found the right time to bring him up. It isn’t like they have to tell each other everything, but Dan’s becoming Phil’s best friend. The guilt of hiding Andrew was starting to eat at Phil. He convinces himself that he wants to make sure that the relationship will go somewhere before he starts telling people.

 

Friday comes in the blink of an eye. Phil bounces nervously all day. Connor side eyes him and asks him if someone put squirrels in his pants. Phil laughs a bit too loud at joke; earning him a look from Connor. Phil never tells him why he’s so jittery though.

 

Phil races home after work and grabs his weekend bag. He checks it one last time to make sure he has everything that he needs. An hour later, he arrives at the train station where he’s meeting Andrew. He had been waiting only a few minutes until Andrew comes up to him.

 

“Hey babe,” Andrew says his low voice. Phil smiles and wraps him in a hug. He places a quick kiss to his cheek.

 

“Hey yourself,” Phil retorts. Andrew smiles at him. They make their way to their train.

 

“Are you ready to get away?” Andrew asks. Phil nods and lets out a long breath.

 

“So ready. Work has been crazy all week,” Phil explains.

 

“Well you don’t have to think about that until Monday,” Andrew says with a wink. All Phil can do is smile. They settle into their train seats and make small chitchat. When there’s a lull in the conversation, Phil can’t stop his mind from wandering.

 

Andrew and Dan were so different. Andrew is older than Phil by a year. Dan is eighteen; barely an adult. Andrew is an inch taller than Phil. Dan is five inches shorter. Andrew is broader. Dan has the body of a fairy. Andrew has sandy blonde hair and green eyes. Dan has brown hair and golden, brown eyes.

 

Phil’s pulled out his thoughts by the jostling of his shoulder. He looks up at Andrew with a startled look on his face. Andrew smiles back at him.

 

“We’re here,” he explains to Phil. Phil looks around. Apparently, most of the train ride had passed without him noticing.

 

“Oops. Sorry,” Phil answers with a shrug. Andrew chuckles. They gather up their bags and get off the train. Andrew hails a cab and informs the driver of their destination. They pull up outside a quaint bed and breakfast. Phil thinks it’s the most adorable building he’s ever seen.

 

The house is a two story Victorian that’s painted white with pale blue trim. There’s a fence around the whole property. Flowers, bushes, and trees cover the lawn. It looks magical to Phil.

 

Phil follows Andrew up the path and waits while he checks in. The hostess is a plump elderly lady named Ms. Jones. She looks like a lovely, grandmother type person. Ms. Jones shows them to their room while babbling about dinner and whatnot.

 

Phil takes two steps inside of their room before stopping in his tracks. There is a bed, a dresser with a tv on top of it, and two side tables with lamps. There’s a small sitting area against one wall near the window. Cozy would be a great word to describe the space. Phil can’t tear his eyes away from the bed though. Andrew drops his bags and touches Phil’s arm.

 

“Is everything okay?” he asks. Phil nods his head before looking at him.

 

“Yeah. Sorry. I was just surprised to see one bed. Not sure why because we are on a weekend away. I just didn’t know we were there yet. Not that we shouldn’t be because we’ve been seeing each other for a while. Though, we aren’t officially together so there is that,” Phil rambles on. Andrew chuckles at him and this causes Phil to stop talking.

 

“I’m sorry. You’re just adorable when you get flustered,” Andrew explains. Phil can feel his cheeks turn red. He drops his head in his hands to hide his face. Andrew carefully peels his hands away from his face.

 

“Hey. Look at me,” Andrew coos. Phil looks up in embarrassment. Andrew smiles at him. Phil smiles sheepishly back at him.

 

“There’s only one bed because that’s all they had available. I’m not expecting anything to happen. If it does, alright. If it doesn’t, alright. We’re going to go at our own pace. Though, I am planning to ask you to be my boyfriend. If you would like that,” Andrew looks a little embarrassed by the end of his mini speech.

 

Phil’s heart melts a little. He finds Andrew to be a cute, handsome, and attractive man. Phil drops his bags and grips Andrews arms. Andrew gives him a look of confusion before realization hits him.

 

He places his arms around Phil’s waist and pulls him close. Phil slides his arms up until they encircle Andrew’s neck. He pulls Andrew’s face close to his. Phil closes his eyes and places a soft kiss on the other man’s lips. Andrew kisses him back. When Phil pulls away, they’re wearing matching smiles.

 

“I would like to be your boyfriend very much,” Phil whispers. Andrew’s smile becomes wider. He pulls Phil closer for a deeper kiss. Phil happily reciprocates.

 

Bed later that night wasn’t as awkward as Phil thought it was going to be. Sure him and Andrew participated in a steamy make out session, but it didn’t progress any farther than that. Phil was happy just to lay there and cuddle the night away.

 

Cuddling Andrew is different than cuddling with Dan. Phil doesn’t have the gut reaction to protect Andrew the same way he does Dan. Phil shakes his head and buries it deeper into Andrew’s chest. He doesn’t need to be thinking about Dan right now. Not while he’s cuddling with his _boyfriend_. Phil drifts happily off to a dreamless sleep.

 

The rest of the weekend passed by in a blur. They spent time wandering through the shops in town and hanging out by the pond behind the bed and breakfast. Phil thinks that they whole trip was magical and over too soon.

 

Andrew insists on dropping Phil off at his flat. He claimed that he wanted to make sure that his _boyfriend_ got home safe. His statement made Phil giggle like a school girl. With five minutes of goodbye kisses, they promised to meet up the next day. Phil has decided to introduce Dan and Andrew. He’s overly excited and wants to inflict his happiness on everyone.

 

Dan didn’t hear from Phil all weekend. He tried texting him a bunch of times, but he never got a response. He assumed that Phil was just too busy and _tried_ to not let it bother him. He failed miserably.

 

He couldn’t stop thinking about Phil all weekend. His days seemed less bright and happy without the other man’s presence. Dan’s hoping that Phil will return to the shop on Monday. He really misses him and more importantly wants to talk to him. He wants to see if Phil would be up to maybe going on a date.

 

Monday rolls around and drags on painfully slow. Dan busies himself with work to prevent him from staring at the clock all day. At roughly five o’clock the front door opens. Dan turns around with a huge smile on his face. He’s hoping that it is who he thinks it is.

 

Dan can feel the smile slide right off his face as soon as he turns around. The air rushes out of his lungs and he feels as though he’s been punched in the gut. All he can see is entwined hands.

 

He looks up to see an overly smiling Phil standing next to a strange man. He puts on most fake smile he’s ever had in his life. He steps out from behind the counter and steps closer to the couple.

 

“Phil!” Dan exclaims with fake enthusiasm. Phil throws his arms around him in a tight hug. Dan stiffens. Phil slides an arm around his shoulders and moves to the side so they’re both facing the other man.

 

“Dan. This is my boyfriend, Andrew. Andrew, this is my best friend Dan,” Phil introduces them to one another.


	7. Chapter 7

Dan sticks out his hand, offering Andrew a handshake. Andrew clasps his hand with Dan’s. His hand is large and corse. It’s the complete opposite of Phil’s. Phil’s hands are soft and delicate. “Nice to meet you Andrew,” Dan says with a fake smile and gritted teeth. Andrew gives Dan a wide smile in return. “It’s nice to meet you too Dan,” he responds.

 

If Phil suspects anything is off with Dan, he doesn’t let on. Though, Dan thinks Phil’s too busy smiling at Andrew to notice anything else. Dan finds himself biting the inside of his cheek. He can start to feel his swirling emotions threatening to take over.

 

“What are you doing tonight?” Phil asks him. Dan hums in questioning to make sure he heard Phil correctly. Phil asks him again. Dan pauses. He can guess what Phil is going to ask him next. He doesn’t really want to go out with them, but he should. He’s Phil’s friend first.

 

“Nothing. Why?” Dan responds. A wider smile breaks out onto Phil’s face; if that’s even possible. He has a cheeky glint in his eye. Dan can feel his expression start to falter slightly.

 

“Do you want to join Andrew and I for dinner?” Phil asks. Before Dan can respond, Phil turns towards Andrew. “That’s okay right?” he clarifies. Andrew nods his head.

 

“Sure. I would love to get to know your best friend better,” Andrew responds. HIs perfect smile never leaving his face. Dan’s trying not to glare at him. He would love nothing more than to do something to wipe that perfect smile off Andrew’s face.

 

Dan takes a deep breath. “I would love to join you guys for dinner,” he replies. His face is starting to hurt from all the fake smiling he has been doing. “I’ll be off around seven,” he informs the pair. A quick glance at the clock tells him that it’s only 5:30 pm.

 

Phil nods his head. “Do you want us to meet you here or do you want to meet somewhere?” he asks him. Dan lets out a slow breath. For a moment, he was worried that they were going to stick around until he got off. That would have been bad because Dan definitely needs some alone time to process the recent news.

 

“Um-I’ll meet you guys somewhere. Wouldn’t want you standing out in the rain if we get a few stragglers,” Dan lets out a light chuckle with his words. He sheepishly rubs the back of his neck while he speaks. Phil nods his head and looks at Andrew.

 

“Where do you want to go babe?” he asks. Dan’s chest constricts. He forces himself not to think about it until he’s alone. Andrew squints his eyes as he tries to think of a place.

 

“How about that diner a couple streets over? The one with the green and white decor?” Andrew suggests. Dan feels himself nodding. He knows the place. He smiles at the two people standing before him.

 

“Great. I’ll see you there at 7:30,” Dan responds. He’s trying to subtly get them out of the shop and away from him. Phil nods and steps forward. He envelopes Dan in a quick hug before resuming his place next to Andrew.

 

“See you then,” Phil chirps out. He slides his hand into Andrew’s waiting one and leads him out of the shop. Dan stands like a statue and watches as their figures disappear down the street.

 

He stands there long after he’s lost sight to them. His eyes are distant and his mind feels hazy. He’s not entirely if the whole exchange actually happened or he’s stuck in some weird dream. With a heavy and weighted sigh, he turns on his heels and continues work.

 

The shop is relatively calm the rest of the night. Dan’s mind threatens to consume him with thoughts of Phil and Andrew, but he manages to push everything away and focus on work. They don’t have any stragglers at closing time and he’s able to leave on time.

 

Dan finds himself shuffling down the pavement as slowly as he can. He has no desire to rush to dinner. His feet carry him to his destination on their own volition. He blinks and finds himself outside of the diner. It’s a average size, brown colored building. The bright lights from inside spill onto the pavement. He can see Phil and Andrew sitting next to each other in one of the booths near the window. Dan knows that he’s probably late due to all his delaying. He shuffles reluctantly inside.

 

The smell of frying grease and coffee permeate his nose once he’s steps through the door. Dan approaches the table and plasters a smile onto his face. He knows it’s obvious that the smile doesn’t reach his eyes, but he doesn’t think Phil will be looking close enough to tell. He slides into the seat across from the happy couple.

 

“Dan!” Phil cries out. His voice isn’t overly loud, but it’s full of elation. Dan crinkles his nose in Phil’s direction as if he’s just as excited as Phil. In reality, he wants to run.

 

“Phil. Andrew,” he addresses each of them individually. His voice is slightly flat. “Have you been waiting long?” he inquires. Phil shakes his head.

 

“We’ve only just arrived ourselves. How was work?” Phil asks. Dan nods. The waitress comes over and places a complimentary water in front of him.

 

“Can I get a coffee please?” Dan asks, talking directly to the waitress and ignoring Phil’s question. He waits until the waitress leaves to return his attention to his companions.

 

“Um. Work was good. Not too crazy thank God,” he answers, hoping that he’s remembering Phil’s question correctly. Phil nods so Dan takes it as a sign that he guessed correctly.

 

“That’s good,” Andrew responds. Dan absentmindedly nods. He had briefly forgotten about Andrew’s presence due to all his focus being on Phil.

 

“So Phil’s literally told me nothing about you. What do you do? How did you meet?” Dan asks. He notices the slight, playful glare Andrew shoots Phil. Phil contorts his lips wide so that they’re pulled back enough to show his teeth; as if to say ‘Oops’.

 

“I work in marketing. One of my coworkers went to University with Phil and thought we would click. We got set up on a blind date about three weeks back or something like that.We did click and have been seeing each other ever since. I just asked him to be my boyfriend while we were away this past weekend. What about you?” Andrew asks. Dan tries his hardest to not shoot daggers in Phil’s direction. He’s trying not to feel hurt that Phil kept Andrew and their weekend away hidden for him. He realizes that he’s not answering Andrew’s question and they’re both waiting on him.

 

“Sorry. I spaced out there for a moment. I just graduated school and currently taking a gap year to figure out what I want to do for University.” Dan hopes that Andrew doesn’t judge him for being so much younger than him. If he does, he isn’t letting on. “So I’m just working at the shop until then. I met Phil a little over a month ago. He came into _Always Reading_ in a fowl mood and was really rude to me.” This causes Andrew to laugh out loud and interrupt Dan’s story.

 

“You were mean to him?” Andrew asks Phil. Phil bites his lip and shrugs his shoulders.

 

“Technically yes,” he starts, “but I had a really awful day and Dan unfortunately got caught in my war path.” Andrew chuckles some more.

 

“I can’t imagine you being mean,” Andrew says.

 

“He’s really not,” Dan interjects. “He came back a few days later and apologized. Even took me out for coffee to make up for it. I forgave him and we’ve been talking ever since.” They sit there in silence for a beat while Andrew lets Dan’s words sink in. It is then that the waitress decides to make her reappearance. She sets down Dan’s coffee with an apology for it taking so long due to her having to make more. Dan informs her that it’s fine. They go around the table placing their dinner orders and the waitress leaves them once again.

 

The rest of dinner passes rather uneventfully. Dan keeps to himself most of the time. Phil and Andrew pass the time with amusing anecdotes about their weekend away. Dan keeps a small smile on his face and forces himself to choke down his tasteless burger.

 

Dan bids the happy couple a fond farewell and heads back to his home. He’s able to keep his emotions in check until he reaches his room. He kicks off his shoes and drops his jacket on the floor before collapsing onto his bed. He’s only laying there for a few minutes before the tears begin to fall.

 

The tears come in waves and soak his pillow. Once he’s pulled himself together enough to stop crying, he turns himself onto his back and stares at his ceiling. He can still feel the occasional tear escape his eye, slide down his cheek, and end up in his ear. He’s a bit too emotional right now to care.

 

Dan replays the whole night over again in his head. The way Phil said ‘babe’ echoes in his wet ears and grates his mind. He can’t stand how happy Phil looks to be with Andrew. He knows he’s being ridiculous because he’s only met Phil a little over a month ago and had no claim to him. However, he feels it should be him who’s making Phil’s eyes spark with admiration.

 

His phone beeps from somewhere in his jacket. He clammers out of bed and grabs it. The little light blinks on his phone. He opens up his phone and clicks on his messaging app. There’s a new message from Phil.

 

**From: Phil**

**Had a great time tonight. We’ll have to get together again soon. :)**

 

With a heavy sigh, Dan locks his phone and tosses it onto his side table. It lands with a slight thump. He pulls off his clothes and flops back onto his bed. Wrapping himself up in his comforter, he switches to laying on his side and staring at the wall. Sleep doesn’t come to him. His mind is too plagued with the thoughts of Phil, Andrew, and questions about why it couldn’t be him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new part was coming anyway, but I was sent two different prompts on my Tumblr:
> 
> "Please continue bundle of nerves! <3 xx"-anon
> 
> "Hey I know you're probably heaps busy, but are you thinking of updating Bundle of Nerves anytime soon? I love it!"-myarena145

A gloom cloud is hanging over Dan's head, blocking out any attempt he has at happiness. Lacey has tried over and over again to get him to open up, but he's refused her at every turn.

"It's nothing." and "I don't want to talk about it." have become regular phrases in Dan's speech as of late. Lacey always glares at him, but drops the subject because she doesn't want to push him farther away. She watches in silence and with concern as he retreats further into himself. She knows exactly who to ask for help.

Phil's typing away at his computer, hyper focused on the task on his screen. He lets out a loud yelp once he feels a hand on land on his shoulder. A laugh drifts from behind him as he clutches his chest over his quick beating heart. He spins around and sees Connor laughing behind him. 

"Goodness! You scared me!" Phil declares between deep breaths. Connor's laugh dies out as they both calm down.

"I asked you if you wanted to go to lunch, but you must not have heard me. You're way too focused for your own good." he says, his breath still uneven. Phil nods his head and gathers his stuff up.

They squeeze into a tiny, two person table next to the windows. Phil happily unwraps his food, eager to dig into it. He can see, out of the corner of his eye, that Conner hasn't moved a muscle since they sat down. He's sitting there, staring at Phil with a pointed look.

"What?" Phil questions before biting into his sandwich. Conner scrunches his nose at him.

"Have you talked to Dan lately?" he asks. The question gives Phil pause as he wracked his brain for the answer.

"Not a lot lately I guess. He hasn't been too chatty recently so I've been giving him his space." Phil says. Conner rolls his eyes and finally starts on his food.

"Why do you ask?" Phil inquires.

"Lacey's said the boy has been moping for a while now and won't tell her what's up. She was wondering if you knew anything, but I'll take that as a no." Conner explains. Phil frowns. He hasn't been avoiding Dan on purpose, but things have been kinda crazy lately. Between work and Andrew, he hasn't had time to play fifty questions every time Dan says he's fine.

"I've been really busy lately. I need to get together with him and see what's up. The holidays are coming up. He might be getting overwhelmed with stuff and shutting down." Phil muses. Connor nods.

"Well whenever you do it, better be soon. Lacey's about ready to whack him up side the head." Conner chuckles and Phil giggles. They both know that Lacey will never do anything to hurt Dan, but the thought is funny.

**From: Phil**

**Hey. Are you busy tonight?**

**From: Dan**

**Idk why**

**From: Phil**

**Movies and chill?**

Dan locks his phone without responding and lets out a sigh because he’s been avoiding Phil. His heart feels like it has a permanent knife wound in it and he would rather sulk away to lick his wounds in private.

Everyone in his world seems determined to not leave him alone. His mother has been questioning him about his recent reclusive behavior and the absence of Phil. Lacey asks him all the time if he’s okay or to tell her what’s wrong. He brushes her off, but he sees the sad looks she gives him when she thinks he’s not looking. Even Conner has been giving him looks the few times he’s stopped by the bookshop.

“Phil wants to hang out.” Dan’s mouth says before he can stop it. Lacey stops looking at the paperwork in her hands and stares at him.

“Is that a problem?” she asks, abandoning her tasks and giving him her full attention. Dan shrugs.

“Forget it.” he says dismissively before turning to leave. Lacey’s arm shoots out and her hand clamps tight on his shoulder. He hisses at the pressure.

“Please talk to me Dan. I’m worried about you.” Lacey pleads. Her eyes are damp with forming tears.

"I know. I'm sorry. Everything is fine. I'm being moody." he says with a sad smile. A sour taste invades Lacey's mouth at his words and a fake smile is plastered on her face.

"If you're sure. Remember that you can always talk to me." she reminds him before giving him a gentle hug. He returns it half heartedly.

**From: Dan**

**We can hang**

**From: Phil**

**Yay! Can't wait! My place at 8?**

**From: Dan**

**Sure**  

Phil's flittering around his flat, willing his limbs to move faster. He was suppose to nap for about twenty minutes after he got home from work, but that didn't go as planned. He woke up almost two hours after he laid down. Now, he's praying that he's going to be able to pick everything up in time.

The doorbell's shrill sound echoes throughout the space and he dashes towards it, tripping over his own feet on the way. 

“Hi.” he says. His hair is tousled, his face is flushed, and he’s panting slightly.

“Did you run a marathon?” Dan asks as he crosses the threshold. Phil’s lets out a light laugh as he shuts the door. The sound reminds Dan of twinkling bells and he can feel warmth spreading through his ice coated core.

He teases him about the state of his flat, but Phil insists that it looks better than it did even a half hour ago. They settle into the couch for a night of takeout, movies, and games; very reminiscent of the last time he was over. Phil launches into one of his crazy stories and Dan allows himself to slip into their easy relationship.

“No Andrew tonight?” Dan asks after their food had arrived. The missing boyfriend has been plaguing his thoughts since he accepted Phil’s invitation. He half expected him to jump out of a corner and ruin their time together. Though he doubted Phil would see the time as ruined.

“He’s off doing his own thing. I explained to him that we haven’t had a chance to hang out lately and we’re craving best friend time. He understood because he knows that he’s been taking up a lot of my time lately.” Phil explains. A frown graces Dan’s face when “craving best friend time” is mentioned.

While that’s part of it, he craves to be more than best friends with Phil. He lust after the feel of his touch against his bare skin and the desire to kiss his luscious, plump lips burns from deep within him.

“What?” Phil asks, breaking Dan out of his internal monologue. He shakes his head and focuses his attention on Phil.

“Huh?” Dan asks. His voice cracks slightly.

“You were staring off into space with a frown on your face. A penny for your thoughts?” Phil asks. Dan forces a swallow down his dry throat. His attention is on the lopsided grin stretched across Phil’s lips. He wets his lips and the world falls away. Slowly, Phil’s frozen form is coming closer.

“Dan? Dan?” Phil calls trying to get his attention. His hand shoots out and presses against his chest, stopping his movement.

Dan shakes his head and looks down at Phil’s hand. He can feel his scorching touch through his shirt and he backs away before he bursts into flames. He jumps as Phil places a hand on his shoulder, causing another area of his skin to burn.

“Are you okay?” he asks softly. Concern is swirling around in his blue-green eyes and Dan forces himself to return a short nod. The look on Phil’s face tells him that he hasn’t convinced him.

“Are you sure? You looked spacey and then like you were going to kiss me.” Phil states. Dan bites his lip. He knows that is actually what he was going to do. His body craves the feeling of Phil’s supple lips against his own only slight more than his touch.

“This was a bad idea. I’m sorry. I have to go.” Dan rushes up as he vaults off the couch and rushes towards the door. Phil’s tripping over his own feet as he dashes after him.

“Wait! Stop! Please!” he calls after him. Dan pauses for a moment as his shoes refuse to cooperate. This gives Phil enough time to catch up and box him in against the wall.

“Where are you going?” he asks, slightly winded.

“I’m leaving. I’ve made a fool of myself.” Dan whispers. He wishes that he could fade into the wall and out of existence. It’s one thing to pine for Phil from a distance, but to almost kiss the very taken man is unacceptable. There are lines and Dan’s in danger of sprinting past them.

“Why? We still have food, movies, and games to get through. You basically just got here. Please stay. We can forget whatever happened back there and go on with our night like planned.” Phil says. His eyes look so sad and pleading that Dan can feel his heart clenching. He dislikes being the cause of negative emotions in Phil, but he can’t stay. He can’t trust himself around him.

“I can’t stay. Please let me go.” Dan whispers. Defeat is written all over Phil’s face and Dan’s heart aches.

“Fine.” Phil says flatly and steps back. Without one last look, Dan rushes out the door and disappears into the night.

Phil stares at the door, half expecting him to burst back through it and declare the whole thing an elaborate joke. The minutes slowly tick by and it becomes obvious that he wasn’t joking. With tears in his eyes, he calls Andrew.

Pacing absent-minded around his entryway makes the wait seem short. He barely opens the door before it's closed again and Andrew’s arms wrap tight around him.

“Are you okay? You sounded distant on the phone.” Andrew whispers into his ear. Phil clings tight to him, but doesn’t answer. The presence of someone else causes tears to gush out of his eyes like a torrential downpour and his body to shake.

Andrew leads them over to the couch and has barely sat down before Phil’s curling into lap. Despite his soothing words and comforting touches, the crying doesn’t stop until the tears has run their course.

“Can you tell me what happened?” Andrew whispers, trying not to scare Phil. He sniffs loud before sitting up. His eyes ache and he can feel the dried tear tracks on his cheeks, but he could care less about his appearance right now. He figures that being upset entitles him to look like crap.

“Dan got here and we were fine. He asked about you and I told you that you were off doing your own things, giving us space. That’s when things got weird. He had this frown on his face and started staring off into space. I got his attention, but I could tell that his mind drifted off before he would answer.” Phil explains. Andrew nods along, waiting patiently as Phil tells the story.

“He started moving closer to me. It looked like he was moving in for a kiss or something. I put my hand out and stopped him. Dan froze and backed up. It wasn’t until I put my hand on his shoulder that he snapped out of his head. He started freaking out and tried to run out. I stopped him, but I couldn’t get him to stay. He left and then I called you.” Phil says, finishing his tale. Andrew wraps his arms tighter around Phil’s torso. 

“He tried to kiss you?” he asks after a minute. Phil furrows his brow. 

“That’s all you got from all that?” Phil asks, his tone accusing and his eyes narrowing.

“I’m looking for clarification. I’m not exactly thrilled with the thought of a kid trying to kiss my boyfriend.” Andrew says sharply. Phil takes a deep breath, getting himself under control. He doesn’t want to fight with him right now.

“I said that it looked like he was moving to try to kiss me. I’m not saying that was what he was doing. It was almost as if he didn’t have control over himself or he wasn’t himself. Dan knows that I’m dating you and he wouldn’t do anything on purpose to jeopardize that.” Phil reassures him. Andrew grits his teeth and nods while letting out a slow breath. Phil hopes that he’s convinced him, but the look on his face says otherwise.

“I guess no harm, no foul.” Andrew says with fake smile. Phil can feel how hollow his words are, but decides to brush it off for now. He extracts himself from his lap and leads them to his bedroom. He's in search of cuddles and a desire to put the whole day behind him.

It’s hours before Dan takes refuge in his bed. He spent the time wandering around, lost in his own thoughts. He berated himself for messing things up with Phil and running away like a scared little kid. The last image in his head before falling asleep is of the pained expression on Phil’s face as he walked away.

The next few days pass by in one slow blur. Dan’s going through the motions of life, but nothing is registering in his memory. Phil has tried texting him, but he lets the message sit on his phone unanswered. Eventually, they stop coming.

Lacey’s concern has grown exponentially. She figured that Dan would snap out his funk after hanging out with Phil, but he seems to have retreated deeper into himself. From what Connor has told her, Phil hasn’t been much better. He tried to question him on what happened, but he’s brushed off every time. Both of them are at a loss at what to do to help and have decided to observe the situation from the background.

A week and a half after the fiasco, the bell chimes at _Always Reading_ and it causes Dan to look up from his paperwork. Andrew’s frame fills the doorway and he glances over the space, his gaze landing on Dan.

“Hey Andrew. How is going? Can I help you find anything?” Dan asks. His natural reaction is to frown at the sight of his crush’s boyfriend, but he resists with all his might. Andrew, on the other hand, has no problem with letting his displeasure show on his face. He crosses the distance and looms over Dan. 

“What happened at Phil’s?” he asks, ignoring the questions. Dan recoils at his harsh tone.

“Not-nothing.” he stammers out. Andrew’s eyes narrow and his jaw clenches.

“Nothing? So you didn’t try to kiss him and run away from him, leaving him in tears?” he spits out. Dan’s chest clenches at the thought of reducing Phil to tears.

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to try to kiss him. My body moved before I realized what was happening. I wouldn’t do anything to ruin things between you guys.” Dan rushes out. Tears are pricking his eyes and he feels awful.

“Damn right you’re not ruining things between us. Do you think Phil would want you? You’re a kid and he’s an adult. You’ll never be good enough for him. Stay away if you know what’s good for you.” Andrew states with a harsh tone. Dan visibly winces at his words. They cut him, but also ignite rage. It’s his choice whether to avoid Phil or not, no one is dictating that for him. 

“Who are you to decide who Phil can and can’t see? As you said, he’s an adult which means that he can make his own choices.” Dan shoots back. Andrew’s palms bang onto the counter.

“I’m his boyfriend and I want what’s best for him. Some pathetic eighteen year old kid who doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life isn’t someone he should be hanging around. You’ll only bring him down.” Andrew spits, his voice raising.

“He’s my friend.” Dan fires back. He takes a similar stance to Andrew’s so that they’re right up in each other’s faces. 

“You’re not friends. You’ve been avoiding him for longer than you were talking. All you’ve done is cause him heartache. Let him go and stay away from him.” Andrew yells. Dan’s stunned, the words echoing in his head. A smug smile spreads across Andrew’s face.

“I better never catch you around him again. It won’t end well for you if I did.” Andrew says before pushing from the counter. Dan watches go, his mind still blank and his mouth ajar.

That’s the position Lacey finds him in ten minutes later. She was on lunch and ended up missing the whole exchange. It takes a few tries, but she’s able to shake Dan out of his stupor.

“Are you okay?” she asks with extreme concern. Dan’s eyes take forever to focus on her and his brow furrows when he realises it’s her.

“I have to go.” Dan says as he rushes past her. She’s watches him dash through the door and a mirade of questions flood her brain.

**From: Dan**

**I need to talk to you**

Talking to Phil is a bust, as a part of Dan knew it would be. He won’t believe that Andrew would come into the bookshop and threaten him. Nothing Dan says could change his mind. They exchanged bitter words that leave them both frustrated.

When Phil confronts him, Andrew denies any wrongdoing. He admits that he did go to the bookshop to try to help both of them fix their friendship. Yet, Dan started yelling at him and got in his face. Phil is a bit hesitant to believe him because Dan isn’t the type to be confrontational. Though, he's been all over the board lately and him freaking out on people isn't that far fetched of an idea. It saddens him that he would go after his boyfriend and try to cause trouble for them.

**From: Phil**

**I think it’s best if we don’t see much of each other right now**

The text message is the final nail in the coffin for Dan. His heart feels like it has shattered into a million pieces and that darkness is overtaking him. The tears spring from his eyes like a rushing river and the cries from his mouth are reminiscent of a tortured animal. His mother rushes into his room and finds him on his knees next to his bed. She hugs him tight and tries to comfort him, but his wails only get louder. Before, there was always the chance of hope. Now, there isn’t any left for him.

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1! Happy New Year!” the telly screeches through the darkened room. A mirade of colors flash outside the room, but their distance don’t bring very much light. Dan’s wrapped in his blankets like they’re protecting him from the rest of the world. Happy couples blur across the screen and the cheers irritate his ears. “Happy New Year Phil.” Dan whispers to the universe in a sullen tone. A single tear slides down his cheek as he retreats deep inside himself.

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1! Happy New Year!” the telly cries out. Cheers erupt around the room and couples press closer to each other. Phil snuggles into Andrew and their lips clash together in a sweet embrace. They giggle to each other after they pull away. The alcohol they’ve consumed has made everything feel warm and fuzzy for Phil.

“Happy New Years.” they whisper at the same time. With matching smiles, they settle into a secluded corner.

“What are your New Year’s resolutions?” Andrew asks after a few moments of silence. Phil hums as his hazy mind attempts to work.

“I want to visit my family more. I barely got to see them last year and really need to make more an effort to head up north; even if it’s for a weekend.” he says. Andrew nods in agreement.

“I want to travel more.” Andrew announces. Phil smiles at him, hoping that he will be able to travel with him.

“I also want to reconnect with Dan.” Phil states quietly. Andrew stiffens next to him, a movement that doesn't go unnoticed.

“Why would you want to do that?” Andrew questions, his tone as a slight edge. This causes Phil’s eyebrows to furrow.

“Why wouldn't I? I feel bad about how things ended between us.” Phil explains. The air between them drops in temperature as Andrew shakes his head.

“I don't think you should. He seems to be a really disturbed kid and you're best without him in your life.” he spits out, causing Phil's whole face to twist in confusion.

“I don't think that's it. He has been down since we stopped talking and seems to have drastically retreated into himself.” he says.

“How do you know?” Andrew asks with suspicion.

“Connor has been keeping me updated between what he hears from Lacey and what he's seen himself. He said that he's barely talking to anyone and I feel bad for him.” Phil says. Andrew’s jaw clenches tighter. His nostrils flare and he takes a large swig of his drink. Phil watches him with curiosity.

“I think it’s a waste of your time. You’re assuming that he wants you to be back in his life. Remember what he did to me?” Andrew says in a curt manner. Phil furrows his brow.

“I know he yelled at you, but I’m not judging him for it.” he says. Andrew scoffs.

“How can you not judge him? Clearly he’s an angry individual.” he states. 

“So was I when I met him. I was having a horrid day and took it out on him. He’s clearly going through something and is probably taking it out on others without meaning to.” Phil explains. Andrew chuckles.

“Yeah or he was pathetically trying to defend his position in your life.” he says off hand. The alcohol seemed to have loosened his lips and Phil’s eyes go wide.

“What do you mean?” he asks. Andrew bites his tongue and tries to brush it off as nothing, but Phil won’t let it drop. 

“Come to the party.” Lacey states. It’s a slow day leaving Dan and her to put books away at a leisure pace. She’s trying to convince him to come to a party Connor and her hosting this weekend. They didn’t throw a New Year’s Eve party, but she’s hoping that he will come to what they’re calling their Post New Year Hangout. Dan shrugs his shoulders. 

“I don’t know if I can make it.” he says quietly. Lacey frowns.

“What do you have to do? Go home and sulk?” she says with a harsh tone. Dan winces and she takes a deep breath, calming down. “I’m sorry. I’m frustrated when it comes to you.” she explains. Dan stops and faces her with a confused look. 

“Why are you frustrated when it comes to me?” he asks. She sighs loud and puts down the books she was working on.

“You go without talking for days at a time and half the time, I catch you staring off into space with tears in your eyes. You’ve been sulking for months and you’re shoving away anyone who has tried to help. You’re isolating yourself and I’m worried about you. I’m frustrated because you won’t let anyone in or help you.” Lacey explains, her voice wavering at the end. Dan feels tears pricking at his eyes and he sniffles. In the back of his mind, he knows what he’s been doing to the ones around him. He’s seen the looks he gets from Lacey and his mother, but the hurt and darkness is too embedded in his soul. To hear Lacey calling him out on his issues makes his heart ache.

“I’m sorry. I’m so grateful to have you considering I’ve been so difficult for so long, but you haven’t left me and I’m glad for that.” Dan says. Lacey smiles at him. She reaches out and gently squeezes his arm.

“I’m always going to be here for you kid. You can always talk to me about anything and I’m not going to judge you.” she says. Dan nods.

“I know. Thanks.” he says while giving her a small smile. She flashes a wide smile at him. “I’ll think about the party.” Lacey nods and gathers the excess books to return them to the backroom.

Only once she’s out of sight does Dan return to his stocking duties. A tiny voice in the back of his head is telling him that he should attend the party, but he knows that his aversive nature will win out in the end. His phone buzzes in his pocket and he pulls it out, figuring it’s his mother asking him to pick something up before he gets home. 

**From: Phil**

**Andrew and I broke up. We need to talk.**

“Hey Lacey?” Dan calls out. Lacey sticks her head out of the back door.

“Yeah?” she calls back.

“I’ll go to the party.”


	9. Chapter 9

Phil looks up at the house in front of him and let out a quiet sigh. The cab disappears behind him, but he makes no movement to move. He’s at Connor’s family home, a mini mansion nestled in one of the more prominent neighborhoods.

He looks up at the house; it vibrates slightly from the high volume of the bass and the multi-colored strobe lights flash through the curtains. A few small groups of people are milling around outside. Phil nods at a few of them as he walks by, making his way inside.

There’s an overwhelming amount of people inside. Bodies are both pressed tight together and spread out across the space. The music is loud and the walls are vibrating. Phil shuffles through the throngs of people, getting jostled as he makes his way to the kitchen. He’s tumbled through the doorway when he hears his name called over the slightly dampened music.

“Phil!” someone calls. Phil swivels his head, trying to see who’s calling him. He catches sight of Connor standing with a small group of people near the opening to the den. Phil’s face breaks into a large smile.

“Hey!” Phil shouts as he makes his way closer to Connor. Connor opens his arms and hugs Phil tight. Phil returns the hug.

“Did you just get here?” Connor asks. Phil nods. “Then you have to drink.” Connor insists. Phil nods again and allows Connor to drag him towards the makeshift bar on the kitchen counter.

Phil works up a pleasant buzz as the night wears on. He spends his time with Connor and his buddies, slowly sipping his drink. He’s making his way towards the makeshift bar for his third drink when he hears it.

“Oh!” One word. A word that might have been screamed for how loud it was ringing in Phil’s ears. The word wasn’t screamed though. It was spoken softly and with all the surprise the speaker could muster. Phil stops in his tracks and raises his head.

“Oh.” Phil says, echoing the word that caught his attention. He’s standing on one side of the counter, in the breakfast nook area. Across the makeshift bar, past all the open bottles of alcohol, stands Dan.

Dan, the last person Phil thought he would be seeing tonight. On later reflection, Phil will come to the conclusion that it was naive of him to not expect to run into Dan at a party thrown by Lacey and Connor.

Phil’s hand tightens around his plastic cup and he finally takes in Dan’s appearance. In Dan’s right hand, he’s holding his plastic cup and in his left, an open bottle, ready to pour. His wide eyes are sunken in their sockets and heavily underlined with dark circles. His mouth is open into an ‘o’ shape, pulling his thin face and emphasising his cheekbones. His skin looks almost ashen between the colors from the strobe lights shining from the living room. His clothes hang off his thinning frame.

Phil opens his mouth, but closes it a moment later. He doesn’t know what to say. They haven’t spoken since the fight they had over Dan’s accusation of Andrew and that was over a month ago. Phil didn’t believe him at the time, but in hindsight, Dan was right. Phil had sent him a text earlier in the week, trying to reach out. Dan hadn’t responded.

Dan snaps out of his stupor, dropping his head and mixing his drink. Phil moves to do the same, if only to occupy himself. “Well look who it is.” Dan states loud in Phil’s ear. Phil jumps, sloshing the liquid in his glass. He had been so focused on his task that he didn’t notice when Dan moved around the counter, getting into his space.

“Hi Dan.” Phil says, trying to keep his voice level. He gives Dan a small smile, pushing down his raising nerves. Dan quips one side of his lips up, then drops it a moment later. They stare at each other for a few moments, sipping their drinks. Both are unsure of how to proceed.

“Can we talk?” Phil whispers. Dan takes a deep inhale and Phil can see the debate playing out behind his eyes. Phil holds his breath and sucks his lower lip between his teeth, biting down. Dan gives a curt nod and turns on his heels, walking out of the room.

Phil shuffles behind him and resists the urge to plaster himself to Dan’s backside to insure that he won’t go anywhere. Dan leads them through the house, winding his way through the mass of bodies.

They end up in an unoccupied bedroom, the door shut and they party sounds muffled in the background. Dan stands across the room, focusing on the floor. Phil slumps against the closed door, his eyes flicking between his cup and Dan.

“So?” Dan asks, elongating the word. Phil stares at him, unsure of what to say or where to begin. He had imagined this scenario hundreds of times; what he would say to Dan if they would talk again and how Dan would respond. Everything has escaped his head though; reality is different from imagination though.

“You wanted to talk, so talk.” Dan says with a snark. He’s irritated. There’s irritation towards Andrew for for causing a riff between him and Phil. There’s irritation at Phil for not believing him, and himself for not fighting harder for their friendship.

“I’m sorry.” Phil apologises. Dan nods. Phil takes a step forwards, causing Dan to take a step back.

“I bet you are.” Dan sasses. Phil huffs.

“I should have listened to you,” Phil starts. “Andrew turned out not to be as good as I thought he was.”

Dan snorts. “What gave you the first clue?” he spits out. Phil takes a deep breath, willing himself to suppress the first flames of anger.

“We got into a fight on New Year’s Eve. Well, I guess technically New Year’s Day since midnight had passed and we had kissed.” Phil says, with a slight ramble. Dan sighs, waving his hand around in the air.

“Can we skip with part? I would rather not have to listen to you ramble on about macking on your perfect boyfriend.” Dan bites out. Phil sighs, his shoulders sagging.

“Didn’t you get my text that said we broke up? Clearly he wasn’t perfect. Also, no one is perfect.” Phil states, focusing on Dan’s feet instead of his face.

“Clearly.” Dan says with a low tone. Phil snaps his head up, eyes narrowing as they focus on Dan.

“What’s that suppose to mean?” Phil asks in a harsh tone. He takes a small step forward, causing Dan to take another step backwards.

“I thought you were perfect. I thought you liked me. I thought we were friends.” Dan says, his voice rising. Phil gives him a confused look.

“Perfect? Dan, I’m not perfect. Nobody is.” Phil says, a hint of sadness in his voice. Dan shakes his head.

“You were. You are. I thought-I thought we were friends, but I guess I was wrong.” Dan stumbles out. Phil frowns.

“We are friends Dan; or rather we were. Things became complicated somewhere along the way.” Phil whispers. Dan’s nostrils flare.

“Complicated? It wasn’t that complicated. We became friends. You became my first best friend and you threw me away for your boyfriend. I don’t know you at all.” Dan spits out. Phil’s taken aback at Dan’s accusation.

“I didn’t throw you away.” Phil insists. Dan drops his empty cup on the side table and folds his arms across his chest.

“You completely did. You kept him from me, only telling me after you lied about going away with him.” Dan spits out. Phil opens his mouth to rebuff, but Dan continues before he can. “I bet you waited until after you fucked him. You did fuck him didn’t you? Wanted to make sure he was a good lay before you introduced him to people.” Dan accuses. Phil’s mouth drops open.

“Why would you think that? Why would you accuse me of something like that?” Phil yells.

“It’s true isn’t it? You went away for the weekend and fucked him.” Dan yells back.

“He asked me to be my boyfriend. I was waiting until I was sure it was an actual relationship before I said anything.” Phil insists. Dan snorts.

“Uh huh. Sure.” Dan says with disbelief. Phil shakes his head. 

“It doesn’t matter what you believe Dan. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about Andrew. Our friendship was so new and I didn’t know if the relationship would work out. I’m sorry.” Phil apologises. Dan snorts.

“Fine. Stick to your story. Don’t admit to wanting to fuck him. I mean why else would you be with him. He was a horrible person.” Dan spits out.

“My sex life isn’t any of your business.” Phil says in a flat tone. His cup as been long discarded and his arms are folded tight across his chest. His eyes are narrowed at Dan. Dan snorts.

“Of course not. Why would it be? I’m a stupid kid right?” Dan accuses. Phil rolls his eyes.

“You’re not a stupid kid. You’re wonderful, amazing, entertaining, and great. I’m honored to call you my friend. I would like to call you my friend.” Phil says, his voice a mix of soft and defeat. Dan can feel tears pricking at his eyes, threatening to spill over. He turns his back to Phil.

“What if I don’t want to be your friend?” Dan mumbles. Phil furrows his brows.

“What does that even mean?” Phil asks, taking a step towards Dan. Dan stands still, his back still turned.

“What-,” Dan starts. His voice cracks and he pauses, sniffing his nose loudly. Tears start falling from his eyes. Phil can hear that Dan’s starting to cry. He crosses the space, stopping right behind Dan.

“Dan?” Phil asks, raising his hand. He touches Dan’s shoulder and Dan stiffens under the contact. Tenderly, Phil uses his hand to turn Dan.

Dan looks up at Phil with wide eyes that are filled with tears. Phil’s chest tightens. He reaches out and wraps his arms around Dan. Dan stiffens and breathes heavy through his nose. Phil’s about to pull away when Dan softens, collapsing into the warm expanse of Phil’s chest.

Phil tightens his arms, pulling Dan flush against him. Dan’s shoulders shake as his sobs into Phil’s shirt; the fabric wetting with tears. Phil strokes his hand through Dan’s hair, making soothing noises.

“Dan? Please talk to me. What’s wrong?” Phil asks. Dan shakes his head, smearing his tears across his face and Phil’s shirt. Phil tightens his arm around Dan’s back and cups the back of his head, guiding Dan’s face into the crook of his neck.

“It’s ok. Everything is going to be okay.” Phil assures Dan. Dan shakes his head, pulling back. His eyes are rimmed red and his pink cheeks are littered with tears. He breaks out of Phil’s hold and wipes his face, sniffling.

“No. No it won’t.” Dan states quietly.

Phil furrows his brows. “What do you mean?” he asks. Dan sniffles again, looking off to the side.

“It’s never going to be okay. You’ll never want me like I want you. We can never be fixed.” Dan babbles. Phil pinches his mouth tight, his mind racing as it tries to decipher Dan’s words.

“What do you mean?” Phil questions. Dan’s eyes flicker over to Phil and he licks his lips. The silence had continued a moment too long and Phil was about to ask again when Dan moved.

Dan closes the distance between them, pressing his body tight to Phil’s. His left hand reaches up and gently cups Phil’s face and his right hand curves around Phil’s waist. Phil blinks and soft, warm lips press against his own. He drops his mouth open in surprise. Dan takes advantage of this and swipes his tongue along Phil’s lips.

It takes a moment, but Phil melts into it. His hands rise up and frame Dan’s face. He drags his thumbs through the tears, brushing them away. Dan hum in contentment and Phil echoes the sediment. Dan pulls back first, sucking in a breath. His eyes are wide and searching Phil’s, looking for answers. Phil stares back at Dan in disbelief.

“What was that for?” Phil whispers. They’re so close still that the tiny pants Phil is letting out are tickling Dan’s face.

“I had to try. I wanted to know.” Dan answers and Phil gives him a slight frown.

“What do you mean?” Phil questions.

“I like you. I’ve liked you for quite a while. I was going to ask you out and then you came in with Andrew.” Dan explains. Phil’s eyes drop open in surprise.

“Really?” Phil crokes out, his voice cracking in disbelief. Dan nods.

“You’re so handsome and perfect.” Dan expresses. Phil’s shocked.

“Dan-,” Phil starts, unsure how to finish his thought. Dan shakes his hand and holds up his hand. Stepping close, he kisses Phil one again.

“Please don’t speak. One chance to spend a night with you is what I want.” Dan pleads. Phil softens, his heart thudding in his chest. He debates about the implications of bedding his friend. He thought Dan was cute from early on in their relationship. Then there was Andrew and Phil pushed the thoughts aside. They might never be able to repair things if they take this step and Phil voices his concern.

“We can talk later. We don’t have to try to fix anything now. Please Phil. Take me.” Dan whispers, running his hands over Phil’s clothes. Phil can feel the faintest hint of Dan’s hard on against his hip.

Phil shoves aside all logic and counter arguments to the side, pulling Dan into his arms. Their lips crash together, a mirade of spit and teeth. Hands grabbed at clothing, tugging at it in requests for removal. Dan shifts back and pulls his shirt over his head. Phil takes the opportunity to do the same.

Dan’s eyes roam over Phil’s bare torso with a hungry expression. Phil takes in Dan’s thin frame and his prominent collarbones. Phil’s throat catches at the obvious weight loss Dan’s had, not that he was very big to begin with. Dan can see the sympathy in Phil’s eyes and kisses him in desperation, trying to draw attention away from his body. He knows that he’s lost weight, but doesn’t want attention drawn to it.

Phil pushes Dan back towards the bed, tugging on the button on Dan’s pants as they move. When his legs bump into the side of the bed, Dan undoes his pants. He pushes them down before dropping onto the mattress. Phil steps back, grabbing at the pant legs and helps rid Dan of his pants. Dan giggles as Phil tosses his pants elsewhere. Phil removes his own pants to match Dan’s state of undress.

Dan spreads his legs wide, the end of his boxers riding up the creamy expanse of his thighs. Phil drops onto his knees and runs his hands up Dan’s legs. Dan bucks his hips.

“Please Phil.” Dan begs. Phil shushes him with a kiss. The kiss devolves into a makeout session that leaves them both without underwear.

“What do you want?” Phil pants out against Dan’s lips. Dan kisses him, long and slow. It’s a tender reprieve from the frantic pace they’ve been working at.

“You.” Dan whispers. Phil hums and returns a tender kiss of his own. He roots around in the bedside drawer and retrieved a bottle of lube. He silently thanks Connor for supplying every bedroom with a bottle when he throws a party.

Phil slicks his fingers, dripping a bit over Dan’s hole and circles the pucker in a teasing manner. Dan whimpers at the cool gel and cants his hips. Phil takes mercy on him and pushes in one of his fingers inside. Dan wrinkles his nose at the intrusion and Phil swallows a chuckle.

“Another.” Dan requests after a minute, already eager to progress. Phil hums and grants the desire, replacing his single finger with two. Dan lets out a soft moan at the the slight stretch.

It’s not that Dan hasn’t fingered himself before, but it’s been a few weeks since his last time. When he had fucked himself on fingers before, he had imagined this precise scenario. He imagined that they were Phil’s fingers instead of his own.

Phil’s fingers stutter as Dan squeezes around them. A moan slips from Dan’s lips as Phil’s fingers scissor apart. Phil lets out a groan and presses a kiss into Dan’s collar. Dan run one of hands through Phil’s hair, tugging at the strands. He runs his other hand down Phil’s back, his fingertips brushing lightly against the skin.

Phil groans when Dan pulls at his hair. He pulls his two fingers out and replaces them with three. Dan keens at the sensation. Phil brushes against the edge of Dan’s prostate and Dan lets out a moan.

“Please Phil. Please.” Dan begs. Phil pumps his fingers a few more times before retracting them. He grabs the lube and drizzles it onto his cock before spreading it around. Dan’s hole twitches, stretched out and empty. The sight entices a groan from Phil.

“I got you baby.” Phil assures as he lines himself up, his slick hand stretched around the girth. The blunt head of his cock bumps into Dan’s hole and Dan shifts his hips, trying to catch it on the rim.

“Patience babe.” Phil coos, rubbing his thumb into Dan’s hip and holding him down. Dan whimpers, but settles. Phil kisses Dan’s lip, trying to reassure him. Dan cups Phil’s face tight and pulls him in for another kiss. Phil uses the distraction to his advantage and starts to push into Dan.

Dan lets out a moan against Phil’s lips as his hole is stretched open. Phil goes slow, not wanting to hurt Dan. At that pace, it takes Phil a while to become completely seated. Dan whimpers when he feels Phil’s balls tap against his arse. Phil moans as Dan’s hole flutters around him.

“You okay?” Phil whispers. Dan nods and kisses Phil. Phil kisses back with enthusiasm.

“Move.” Dan huffs out.

Phil doesn’t need to be told twice. He shifts his weight and draws his hips back, leaving only the tip inside. Dan wraps his legs around Phil’s hips in a loose grip. Phil eases his hips forward, pushing deep. Dan moans. Phil starts on an easy, but steady pace. His breath is warm against Dan’s neck.

Every time Phil is flush against him, Dan makes a noise or a moan; almost as if Phil is fucking the sounds from his lips. Phil swears that the noises Dan is making and the slapping of their skin is causing his blood to hum. He’s pressing wet, sloppy kisses along Dan’s neck and shoulder, thrusting his hips harder.

“God! Yes!” Dan cries out. Phil assumes that he’s hitting Dan’s prostate with every thrust. Dan tightens his legs around Phil’s waist, trying to pull him deeper inside. His nails are digging into Phil’s shoulders in a harsh manner. Phil can feel the blunt bite of Dan’s nails, but it spurs him on rather than deters him.

Dan can feel the first hints of orgasm pooling in his lower half. He tightens around Phil’s length. Phil groans and his hips stutter.

“I’m going to cum baby.” Phil huffs out. Dan groans and clings tighter to Phil with one hand. His other hand snakes between their bodies. Phil shifts back slightly, giving Dan room to wrap his hand around his aching cock.

“Phil! I’m so close!” Dan cries, moving his hand as quick as possible. The heat is pooling in his stomach and he bucks his hips in time with Phil’s thrusts.

“Cum baby. Cum for me.” Phil begs. Dan cums, throwing his head back and moans loud as he does. He clenches tight around Phil’s cock. Phil thrusts a few more times before he drives all the way inside and orgasms. He bites down on Dan’s shoulder, muffling his groan.

They’re both panting, trying to catch their breaths. Phil pulls out and flops to the side, stretching out next to Dan. Sweat and bodily fluids start to cool on their bodies, causing them both to shiver slightly.

Phil pulls Dan into his chest and places a kiss on his temple. “So good babe.” Phil whispers. Dan smiles against Phil’s chest.

“So sleepy babe.” Dan mumbles and Phil lets out a short laugh. He wrangles the rumpled blanket over both of them and they snuggle close to one another.

“Sleep baby.” Phil says softly. Dan lets out a sigh of contentment.


	10. Chapter 10

The mid morning light filters through the curtains. It’s casting sunlight across the carpet and up the opposite wall. Dan’s heavy eyelids blink as he slowly comes back to the world of the living. His brain is sluggish to process the unfamiliar room. **  
**

“Mhmm.” The sound comes from behind him and Dan looks over his shoulder. Phil’s laying next to him, still asleep. Phil’s hair is spread out across the pillow and his mouth is open as tiny puffs of air escape from it. His arms are tightly clutching part of the blanket to his chest.

Dan’s eyes spread comically wide and he eases himself away from Phil’s sleeping form. Phil shifts slightly and curls himself in the vacated space. Dan backs away from the bed; splitting his attention between Phil and hunting for his clothes. His breath comes out in pants as his mind reels. Dan grabs his clothes quickly, putting them on haphazardly as he rushes to vacate the room. He rushes away from the house like fire is nipping at his heels.  

Phil sits up with a start. His eyes are open, but unfocused and blurry. He blinks a few time, willing the sleep away. Phil stretches his limbs towards the ceiling. His joints creak, but there’s a pleasant ache that overpowers any discomfort. He looks around the unfamiliar room and the memories of the night before trickle back.

Skin against skin and loud cries spilling from between red, bitten lips. Dan’s head thrown back in ecstasy as his nails dig deep into Phil’s shoulders. Dan, whose physical absence echos throughout the room. Phil looks around and notices the lack of another set of clothes on the floor. He tilts his head to the side, but the there’s no sounds coming from the rest of the house. He tiptoes down the stairs, unsure who’s still in the house. He sees no one by the time he arrives at the front door and slips out into the world.

Dan snuck into his house in an unneeded manner. According to the note on the outside of his door, his mum is out and won’t be back until late. He grabs a pair of sweats and an oversized t-shirt from his drawer before making his way into the bathroom.

The water coming out of the shower head is scalding. Dan doesn’t care, allowing to water to cascade down his body and turn his skin a bright color of pink. He picks up his body wash and scrub his skin near raw. Moments from last night flash through his head. He can see cups of alcohol and hear a far away bass pulse through his head. The memory of torrent tears and strong arms wrapped tight around him cause Dan’s eyes to prick. The final memories are of naked, sweaty skin and pleasurable cries.

By the time the water runs cold, Dan’s skin and eyes are red. He hurries through the rest of his routine and jumps out, throwing on his clothes over his damp skin. He dives into his bed and cocoons himself in his covers. The overwhelming guilt threatens to crush him under its weight. He lays in bed and sobs.

Phil’s halfway through making tea when his mind begins to drift to last night. The memories become like a series of snapshots. The two of them in the kitchen, separated by the makeshift bar. Phil following Dan up the stairs. The two of them standing in opposite sides of a bedroom. An angry Dan yelling at him. Phil’s arms wrapped around a sobbing, shaking Dan. The feeling of Dan’s lips against his own. The gorgeous sight of a cum splattered Dan writhing on Phil’s still hard cock.

The memories send mix emotions coursing through Phil’s system. His knees quiver before he slides down his cabinets and crumbles on the floor. He slept with Dan and woke up alone this morning. Questions about where they go from here and what everything now means swirl around in his head. He takes a few deep breaths, fighting the tears in his eyes.

They both reluctantly drag themselves to their respective jobs on the following Monday. Dark circles rim under their eyes and their skins are paler than normal. Conner takes one look and goes to say something, but Phil’s head shake deters him.

Lacey bumps her hip into Dan’s and flashes him a smile. Dan gives her a quick quirk of one of the corners of his mouth. Lacey frowns. She knows Dan hasn’t been doing well lately.

“Are you okay?” she asks. Dan shrugs one shoulder and Lacey’s forehead creases.

“I’m fine,” Dan replies.

“Did something happen at the party? I didn’t see you for very long. It’s like you disappeared halfway through the night,” Lacey states. Dan shakes his head.

“I split early. It wasn’t my scene. Sorry, I should have said something to you before I left,” he lies. The memories from that night are seared into his brain and locked deep away in the back of his mind. Lacey narrows her eyes at him. There’s scepticism written all over her face as she sees through his thinly veiled lie. She shakes her head, deciding to drop the subject for now. She guesses something happened and Dan will tell her when he’s ready.

It’s almost evening and Dan’s mind is racing. He thought he was doing better. The memories from the party had stopped plaguing his nightly dreams, but today is bad. There’s a hole growing inside of his chest. A Phil shaped hole that Dan’s desperate to fill or he fears it will consume him whole. He doesn’t want Phil for a booty call. No, it’s more that he’s craving the ability to bask in his presence. He shoots off the message before he can talk himself out of it once again.

**From: Dan**

**Do you want to hang out tonight?**

Phil stares at the message. It’s been two weeks since the night of the party and this is the first time Phil’s heard from Dan since that night. It’s not completely Dan’s fault as Phil’s been avoiding contacting him as well. Phil takes a moment to think over his plan for the night. He remembers the leftover takeout in his fridge and the movie he wanted to watch for the millionth time.

Shame blooms in his chest. He’s suppose to be the older one in the relationship, but Phil can’t bring himself to be mature about the situation. He feels like the alcohol in their systems helped him prey on Dan’s vulnerability. No matter how many times he thinks it over, he can’t remember what convinced him that it was a good idea to sleep with Dan. Phil types out a quick response and silences his phone while inhaling a shaky breath.

**From: Phil**

**Can’t. Busy.**

Dan becomes crestfallen as he reads Phil’s response. He’s not surprised by the message. The distance between them has increased with each passing minute. Regret hangs over Dan’s head like a black cloud. He would love nothing more than to travel back to that night and shake some sense into himself. Inform him that his line of thought could only lead to heartache.

Phil’s sitting in his chair, watching the raindrops slide down the window pane next to him. The cold, winter rain will perhaps turn into flurries as the sun goes down. It’s a hollow echo of that day last fall when he met Dan for the first time. It’s the perfect day to snuggle inside with a cup of coffee. Phil’s hands move under their own volition and he sends off the message before he registers what he’s doing.

**From: Phil**

**Want to get coffee?**

Dan sighs at the message. It’s been roughly three weeks since the party and a week since he sent a message of his own. He sets his phone down and stares out the front window at the rain. Memories of a kind of warmer fall rain thread their way through his mind.

Blinking back tears and sucking a deep breath through his nose, Dan steels himself. So many things have changed since that day many months ago. He wants to say yes so bad: to coffee with Phil, to spending time with him again, and to fixing this thing between them. Yet, Dan feels like the situation can’t be fixed. He figures that if he says yes to coffee, they’ll sit in an awkward silence. Then Phil will pull away even more. He’ll realize that the the situation between them has no perfect solution. Dan will be left behind: broken, battered, and scarred.

**From: Dan**

**Can’t. Busy.**

The words are an exact copy of those Phil sent to Dan a week before and Phil can’t say that he’s surprised. If this was any other moment, he would have smiled and chuckled at Dan quoting him. Instead, the knife twists deeper into his heart. Not for the first time, he thinks that perhaps Dan and him won’t ever fix things between them.

Lacey jumps up onto the counter. Her back is to the entrance and her legs kick out in front of her. Dan glances at her, a small smirk playing on his lips. Lacey smiles wide at him and Dan sighs.

“What do you want?” he asks.

Lacey gasps, pressing her hand to her chest. Her mouth opens in an ‘o’ and her eyes widen with fake innocence. “What makes you think that I want something?” she asks, feigning ignorance.

Dan rolls his eyes. “You always make that face when you want something,” he informs her.

Lacey shakes her head, smiling wide. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she states.

“Spit it out,” Dan sighs.

“When’s the last time you talked to Phil?” Lacey asks. Dan raises his eyebrows. It’s been over a month since the party. Since the invitation to get coffee, there’s been nothing but radio silence.

“Not since the party. We ran into each other, but didn’t really talk,” Dan says, lying through his teeth. It’s Lacey’s turn to raise an eyebrow at him.

“Okay. Are you sure?” Lacey asks. Dan shrugs.

“I mean we’ve texted a few times, but we’ve both been to busy to really talk or see each other,” he confesses.

Lacey rolls her eyes. “That’s what Phil told Conner,” she states.

“He told Conner what?” Dan asks.

“That you’ve texted each other, but that’s it. That you’ve both been too busy,” Lacey replies. Dan nods.

“Conner and I think that you should talk to Phil,” Lacey announces.

“Why’s that?” Dan asks.

“Both of you have been down lately and you don’t seem to be talking. Conner tried to get Phil to contact you, but he waved him off. Something is going on between the two of you,” Lacey confesses.

“It’s nothing. We’ve been busy. We’ll work it out later,” Dan says, brushing her off.

Lacey sighs. She loves Dan, but sometimes, he can be a stubborn bastard. She claps him on his shoulders and slides off the counter. “Think about what I said. He seems miserable and so do you,” she states with one last pat on Dan’s shoulder.

Lacey’s words roll around in Dan’s mind. He knows that he has been down lately, but no more than he usually is. He had only thought in an abstract manner about how the whole situation has been affecting Phil. Dan sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. He feels as if he’s in a no win situation.

The nausea wakes him up a few days later. Dan rolls to his side and wills his stomach to stop rolling. When that doesn’t work, he dashes to the bathroom and empties his stomach contents into the toilet.

Dan sits back on his heels and pants. His mind skims over what he ate last night, but it wasn’t anything unusual. His stomach feels better and he makes his way back to his room, dropping off to sleep.

When he wakes a few hours later, Dan’s feeling somewhat better. There’s still nausea, but it’s not as intense as it was earlier. He writes it off as a one time thing and pulls himself out of bed for work.

The nausea wasn’t a one off. It’s been over a week since it arrived and it seems to have no signs of stopping. After the first day, Dan started thinking it was the flu. Yet, he didn’t have the fever or the sweats that usually go with the flu. The nausea would hit him at all hours of the day and not purely because of something he ate. Certain smells would set him off as well.

Annoyance worms its way into Dan’s system. He would like to make it one day without running to the bathroom or having to lie down, waiting for a wave to pass. He takes to the internet, searching for a cause based on his symptoms. Among the myriad of illnesses that cause him to think he’s dying, one catches his eyes.

Dan stares at the diagnosis of pregnancy and his breath catches in his throat. He stares up at the ceiling and wracks his brain, trying to remember. He can’t remember them using a condom on that fateful night. The chance that he’s pregnant is feasibly possible.

He was thirteen when he was diagnosed as a Carrier. A Carrier is a man who have ovaries and a womb like a woman. Dan doesn’t have a period in the traditional sense since he doesn’t have a vagina. The broken down egg mixes with his stool and exits his body without him having to deal with it.

It’s not something that he’s thought about very much. He had no reason to since he was a virgin before the party and had never had a serious boyfriend. Sure, he had gone a few dates with guys and girls, but no one had been anyone he would have considered sleeping with.

Dan shuts his laptop and paces around his room. His chest constricts as his thoughts start running away from him. He’s only eighteen, he doesn’t know what to do with a baby. He doesn’t know how he will tell his mum, Lacey, or Phil. At the thought of Phil, Dan stops his pacing and his hand presses tenderly against his stomach. He’s conceivably carrying Phil’s child inside of him. Dan’s mind starts freaking out about how he will tell Phil. He knows that he’s getting ahead of himself, but he can’t help it. His heart begins to race as he sucks in deep breaths.

He grabs his keys, wallet, and phone before rushing out of the house. The desire to confirm burns through his body. He wills himself to not freak out until he knows for sure. His eyes scan the shelves of the corner mart, grabbing the first Carrier test he can find.

The person behind the counter gives him a sympathetic smile and Dan returns a wobbly smile. Once he stumbles into his bathroom, he’s ripping the box open. He watches the minutes tick slowly by on his phone, his upper teeth biting deep into his lower lip.

The time passes and Dan takes a deep breath. With shaky hand, he picks up the test. His eyes focus on the tiny window. A small, blue plus sign stares back at him. He grabs up the instructions, looking for clarification of what he’s seeing. The test slips through his fingers and clatters onto the vanity. He’s pregnant.


	11. Chapter 11

Dan’s knees give out, causing him to slowly crumble onto the floor. He feels as if his mind should be racing, but it’s devoid of thought. Tears overflow his eyes and slide down his cheeks. His mouth falls open as silent sobs escape his mouth.

That’s how his mother finds him, huddled on the floor of the bath. Concern blantenty all over her face as she rushes to his side. Dan can hear her asking what’s wrong, but he can’t answer. His throat feels tight and he just cries harder. With a shaky hand, he points to the counter.

Through his blurry eyes, he watches her pick up the test. A myriad of emotions pass over her face. Her eyes well up with tears as she stares down at him. A fresh wave of tears escape Dan’s eyes and he curls tight on himself.

His mother says nothing to him as she hauls him off the floor and deposits him in his bed. She brings him a cup of tea and leaves him alone. Dan doesn’t blame her. He’s messed up. She had plans, goals, and hopes for him that a positive pregnancy test has dashed.

The next morning came far too quickly for Dan’s liking. A note from his mother informs him that they will be talking when they’ve both returned from work. Dan sluggishly makes his way to work. He feels caught somewhere between an out of body experience and a zombie.

Throughout the day, Dan finds himself lost in the depths of his mind. He can feel Lacey’s hawk like stare branding his skin, but he can’t be bothered with her. There’s so many questions are rolling around his head. “Do I even want a kid?” “Can I handle a kid?” “Will Phil want to help?” How will I tell Phil?” “Should I tell Phil?” By the time he leaves work, he has no answers.

The talk with his mother goes decently well all things considered. Yes, she yelled at him and he doesn’t blame her. He blurts out that he wants to keep the baby and she informs him that she will help him in any way that she can. She inquires about the other father and Dan states that they’re not together and he doesn’t know. She asks if Dan’s going to tell him and he shrugs.

The next week passes in a blur. Dan has his first doctor’s appointment and receives his first ultrasound. He’s found to five weeks and a half days along. He asks for two copies of his little bean. One for him and one for Phil, if Dan ever gets around to telling him.

The sixth week of his pregnancy is nearly over before Lacey finds out. Dan wasn’t purposely trying to keep it from her, but was waiting until he was farther along before he announced it. At least, that’s what he tells himself. Truthfully, he’s ashamed. His life has become a cliche harlequin romance novel and the less people who know about it, the better.

Lacey finds Dan hunched over the toilet, expelling the strawberries he had for lunch. Surprise, confusion, and concern pass over her face as she hands him a wet paper towel. He mumbles her thanks before washing out his mouth.

“What’s all that about?” Lacey asks after Dan’s settled himself in the office. He briefly considers lying to her, but knows that it won’t get him anywhere. She’s going to eventually find out, the bulging stomach and needing time off to give birth are a dead give away. He briefly wonders how he’s suppose to give birth, but Lacey stops him from getting too off track with a hand wave.

“Sorry. Just thinking. I’m pregnant and I find myself becoming distracted more easily.” Lacey’s face goes slack. Dan furrows his brow and then his words loop back through his head. In a nonchalant way, he announced he’s pregnant. He’s guesses it’s better than stammering it out like an idiot.

“You’re pregnant?” Lacey whispers. Dan nods. “How?”

“Sex obviously. I’m a carrier,” he informs her.

“When?” Dan furrows his brow. “I mean how far along are you,” she clarifies.

“Almost seven weeks. It happened at your party.”

“I thought you said you left early.”

“Well I didn’t.”

“Who’s the other dad?” Dan inhales sharply and bites his lip.

“Phil,” he announces in a whisper. Lacey gasps. Dan watches as her mind whirls. He figures that she’s filling in the blanks of their weird behavior and the last few months.

“Does he know?” she asks. Dan shakes his head. “Why not?” she persists. A hard edge creeps into her voice.

“I don’t know how to tell him or even if I should. We aren’t on the best terms at the moment and I don’t know if he would want to talk to me anyway. How do you avoid someone for weeks and show up like ‘Yeah I’m preggo.’?” Dan asks. He hand rubs gently at his lower stomach and Lacey gives a small smile at the sight.

“You need to tell him. Maybe not so blunt, but he needs to know. It’s his kid too and he has a right to be in their life if he so chooses. Are you keeping it?”

“Yes I am.”

“What about your life plans? What does your mum say about it?”

“University is on hold right now. She knows and, while not the happiest, is choosing to help me out. I’m grateful for her.” Lacey nods. She opens her mouth, wanting to ask another question, but the bell over the front door chimes. Dan moves to stand, but Lacey waves him off. He gratefully sinks back into the chair.

Dan makes it to nine and a half weeks before he reaches his breaking point. Every day he shows up work, Lacey asks him if he’s talked to Phil yet. At first Dan would brush her off, but then she upped her anti. She started texting him on his days off and then progressed to texting him after he’s gotten off work. The breaking point comes when Dan tosses the book he’s trying to read against the wall. Tears pool in his eyes and a frustrated groan falls from his lips.

Amongst the frustration, Dan finds himself dialing Phil’s number. It’s already rung a few times before he realizes what he’s doing. One ring away from the voicemail picking up, Phil answers the phone.

“Dan?” he asks, equal parts confused and surprised.

“Yeah. Hi Phil,” Dan answers, trying to keep his voice steady.

“It’s been a while.”

“Yes it has,” Dan agrees. It’s been over a month since they last spoke.

“Why are you calling?” Phil asks, a little harsher than he meant.

Dan doesn’t blame him for being angry. “We need to talk”

“About what?”

“Things. The party and our communication among other things.”

“What other things?”

Dan lets out a sigh. “This is more a conversation that we need to have in person.”

“Alright. Do you want to meet for coffee or something?” Dan’s mind briefly drifts. He misses coffee something fierce and craves it to no end. He has about six and a half months until he can have caffeine again. He’s so not counting or anything.

“Dan?” Phil asks, breaking Dan out of his train of thought.

“Sorry. I got spacey for a minute. I would rather have this conversation at your place. We have a lot to discuss.” Phil hums in agreement.

“Makes sense.” They set up at day and time for Dan to come by. Hanging up, Dan can feel a knot forming in his stomach. He reaches down and rubs the tightening skin of his lower stomach.

“It’s going to be okay,” he assures the fetus and tries to convince himself of as much.  

Dan stands on the pavement, looking up at Phil’s building and trying to convince himself to go inside. An internal debate wars inside his head. He glances at his phone once again, noticing that he should be inside a minute ago.

“It’s now or never,” he mutters to himself as he hits the buzzer.

Two minutes later, Dan’s in front of Phil’s door. He wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans as the door swings open. A disheveled Phil stands on the other side of the door frame. They trade weak smiles as Phil ushers Dan inside his flat.

Dan shuffles into the living room. His eyes fluttering around the space, but nothing registers. Phil sits down on the couch and gestures for Dan to take a seat. He refuses.

“So you wanted to talk?” Phil asks, jumping right into the conversation.

“Um-Yeah.” Dan nods.

“Well go on then,” Phil states, leaning back on the couch and crossing his arms across his chest.

“I-um-Ah,” Dan starts and stops. The words are escaping him at the moment.

Phil watches him flounder for a few minutes before interjecting. “Why haven’t we talked since the party?”

Dan rocks slightly on his feet. “I’ve been busy,” he says with a shrug.

“That’s crap!” Phil declares, standing suddenly. Dan takes a few stumbling steps back. “You’re the one who ran before I woke up,” Phil states, taking a step towards Dan. “Why?”

Dan runs his hand over his face. “I was embarrassed that I had slept with you,” he starts. Phil’s face goes slack and pale. “Not because I’m embarrassed to be seen with you or of you,” he back pedals. Phil’s face hardens. “It’s more that I really liked you and thought that you would be weirded out that we slept together.”

Phil presses his lips tight together. “I wouldn’t have slept with you  if I didn’t like you,” he explains. Dan nods.

“I know, but everything was so fresh and confusing in the morning light.”

Phil closes the distance between them and places a hand gently on Dan’s arm. “You could have talked to me. I would have listened,” he says softly. Dan nods.

“I know,” he whispers.

Phil gives him a sad smile. “Can we start over? Can we go back to the way we were before?” he asks.

Dan shrugs his shoulders and takes a step back from Phil, causing Phil’s hand to drop. “Maybe. I would like to, but it might be a little difficult,” Dan states. Phil frowns.

“What do you mean?”

“The party, what we did, and our lack of communication isn’t the only thing I’ve come to discuss.”

“Ok?” Phil asks with skepticism.

“I’m a carrier,” Dan states bluntly.

“Ok?” asks Phil with a raised eyebrow.

“It means I can carry children.”

“I know. I have a family friend who is one. Why are you telling me this?” Phil questions.

“I’m pregnant.” Time appears to come to a screeching halt. Phil’s face goes slack and he staggers backwards. The back of his knees hit the edge of the couch and his legs give out, causing him to flop down.

“You’re-you’re-,” Phil tries, but the word won’t form on his tongue.

“Pregnant,” Dan states flatly.

“It’s mine?”

“No it’s the butchers. I’m just telling you for the hell of it. Yes it’s yours,” Dan snarks. Phil shoots him a look that shuts Dan up quick. Dan casts his eyes down and Phil takes a few breaths in an attempt to wrangle his whirling mind.

“How?”

“We had unprotected sex.”

“But we only had sex once!” Phil exclaims.

“Once is all it takes. You went through sex ed same as me.”

“How far along are you?”

“About three months gone.”

“How long have you known?”

“About a month.”

“A month!” Phil exclaims, raising off the couch. “You’ve known for a month and you’re only telling me now!” he bellows.

Dan cowers under Phil’s outburst. “I’m sorry,” he whispers with downcast eyes.

“How can you not tell me?” Phil yells.

“I didn’t know how to tell you. I was scared about how you were going to react. I was trying to figure out how to process everything myself,” Dan explains. It’s mostly true. Terrified of Phil’s reaction would be a better turn of phrase.

“So you kept it from me? What were you going to do? Wait until they’re eighteen and drop them at my door with a note?” Phil spits out.

“Is that how little you think of me? That I would keep your child from you?” Dan fires back.

“How am I supposed to know?” They lapse into silence. Both at an impasse as hurt feelings and unsaid statements swirl in the air between them.

“Go!” Phil exclaims suddenly, breaking the silence after a few minutes.

“I’m sorry?” Dan questions.

“Get out. I need to think,” Phil growls. He points towards the door to emphasize his point. Dan huffs and reaches into his pocket, his fingers curling around a piece of paper. He throws it onto the coffee table and strides out of the room, slamming the door on his way out.

Phil collapses onto the couch as if someone had cut his strings. He gropes forwards, grabbing the paper. He brings it towards him and opens it up. Tears sprang to his eyes. Black fills most of the page; save the white writing at the top and small, grey circle in the middle. His eyes narrow in on the grey blob. Tears quickly slide down his cheeks. It’s a picture of his baby. 


	12. Chapter 12

Dan stumbles through his bedroom door, tears blur his world. He collapses on his bed, being mindful of his stomach. He’s waited until getting home to cry. No one needs to see his face blotchy and red as tears trickle down his cheeks. There’s even snot inching its way out of his nose, which isn’t helping anything.

His meeting with Phil went as well as he expected. Phil asked him questions and yells, but Dan doesn’t blame him. Being informed of impending fatherhood would be a shock to anyone. He, for a moment, remembers the tears he shed when he found out. His whole future altered course in a single instant.

Dan doesn’t know where they stand now. Phil’s behavior didn’t show one way or another. Again, it’s understandable though. Sliding his hand down and resting it on his stomach. Under his spread fingers, Dan pictures their baby growing and he gives himself a small, sad smile.

“It’s going to be ok,” he assures his stomach. “If he doesn’t want to be apart of your life, it won’t matter. I’m always going to be here for you.”

Connor’s morning had been going as well as expected. Monday mornings are a construct devised by someone who would like to watch the world burn. At least, that’s what he tells everyone. His crummy morning is interrupted by a crazed, wide eyed Phil. It’s with shifting eyes and barely audible whispers, Connor learns that Phil’s trying to ask him to lunch. As soon as Connor agrees, Phil disappears and Connor’s left with a puzzled expression on his face.

Phil shuffles in his chair, glancing at the door every thirty seconds. To an outsider, he might look like a tweaker in desperate need of his next fix. He can’t be bothered by what others think right now. He was able to get out of work before Connor and made it to the sandwich shop first. He had ordered their lunches, which are sitting on the table in front of him. All that’s missing is Connor.

Connor saunters up to the table.  His laid back demeanor causes a mixture of anger and jealousy to flare inside of Phil. “Why the long face?” Connor asks with a smirk as he slides into the chair opposite of Phil. Phil scowl deepens and Connor furrows his eyebrows.

“I-I don’t even know where to begin,” Phil confesses. He runs his hand through his already disheveled hair.

“Did something happen over the weekend?”

“Something like that. I received some news.” Connor raises one of his eyebrows. When Phil doesn’t immediately elaborate, Connor presses on.

“Is it good or bad?”

“I-I’m not sure. Under other circumstances, it would be wonderful. Right now, it’s muddying an already complicated situation.” Guesses go through Connor’s head.

“I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on.” Phil takes a deep breath, slowly exhaling it.

“I’m going to be a father.” Connor’s eyes grow wide and his jaw slacks. His sandwich slips through his fingers and clatters back into the basket.

“A-a father?” Connor asks in disbelief. Phil nods. Connor lets out a long breath. “I’m sorry to be crass, but who did you manage to knock up then?” Phil turns his head away and bites his lower lip. His fingers twiddle in his lap and his shoulders twitch slightly.

“Dan.” The word comes out as a whispered mumble and Connor pinches his face tight.

“I’m sorry. I thought you said that you knocked up Dan.” Phil nods and Connor inhales sharply. “You’re shitting me.” Phil shakes his head. Connor sits back and takes a minute to wrap his head around this new information. “How did this happen?”

“We hooked up at your party. He’s almost three months gone.”

“I wondered what really went down at the party. You were being vague and secretive about it. Dan was feeding Lacey some bullshit story about leaving the party early. We never could get a clear answer out of either of you. We guessed that something went down between the two of you. I was betting that you had a spat, not that you slept together.” Phil stares at Connor in shock.

“Were we being that transparent?” he wonders aloud. Connor nods and Phil hums. There’s a brief silence between them before Connor pipes up once again. 

“So how did this all go down?”

“The events that lead us to sleep together or the actual sex act?” Connor snorts.

“The first one you weirdo. I don’t need to know about the second one. Gross” Phil chuckles.

“Dan’s liked me since we met and I’ve always found him attractive. I met Andrew at almost the same time. I was focusing on cultivating that into a romantic relationship. Dan was supposed to be a friendship, but as it turns out, I’m rubbish at both. We ran into each other at the party and found ourselves in an upstairs bedroom.” Connor raises his eyebrow. “Not like that,” Phil says with a chuckle. “At least, not right away. We were arguing.”

“About what?” Connor interjects. Phil sighs. The fighting feels a million years ago already.

“About Andrew. Dan was insisting that he was no good for me and I wouldn’t believe him. By the time I realized Andrew was bad news, Dan and I hadn’t been talking for a while.” Connor hums, remembering the conversations Lacey and him would have. The concern they would both express for their friends, but unsure of what was causing the issue. Phil’s talking brings Connor out of his mind. “You still with me?” Connor shakes his head and chuckles.

“Of course. Sorry. A lot of things from that time began to make sense in my head and I lost myself for a moment.” Phil grimaces and Connor gestures for to continue.

“So when we ran into each other at the party, I convinced him to talk to me. This is how we ended up in the bedroom. Through the course of us talking, Dan confessed his feelings. One thing lead to another and now he’s up the duff.”

Connor sits back in his chair, crossing his arms across his chest and letting out a low whistle. “That’s a rollercoaster if I ever saw one.” Phil nods. “So how do you feel about everything?”

“It’s a shock. I don’t think I have processed it yet.”

“You look calmer than you did this morning if that counts for anything.” Phil nods.

“A little.”

“You’re going to be there for them right?” Phil scowls.

“Of course I am. I’m going to support them and Dan in anyway I can. What kind of question is that?” Phil spits out.

“One that gives you the answer you’ve been looking for.” Phil furrows his brows. 

“What question?”

“Whether you can do the whole Dad thing or not. You’ve been driving yourself crazy all weekend over it and you’ve now answered it.” Phil takes a moment and realizes that Connor’s right. He had been torturing himself all weekend and suddenly, he feels calm. He may not know what’s going to happen in the future and that he might not always be the best. But he would never intentionally abandon Dan or their child.

“You bastard,” Phil states with a small smirk. Connor throws his head back in laughter. “Maybe for that I won’t show you a picture of them.” Connor sits up straight.

“You have a picture? Come on. Let me see.” Phil rolls his eyes and digs out his wallet. He pulls out the crinkled picture and hands it to Connor. Connor stares at the small blob with such fondness that Phil can’t help smiling. “Looks like you,” Connor quips and Phil’s smile widens.

With every passing day, Phil feels his residual anger fade. He’s coming to terms with what being a father would entail and his acceptance of the situation. On the other side of the coin, Dan’s nerves are fraying with every passing minute. As strong as he believes himself to be, he’s not sure that he can tackle parenthood without Phil. It’s been roughly a week since they’ve last talked before Phil contacts Dan.

Dan’s roughly ten and a half weeks gone by the time he steps into the coffee shop. He’s sipping a decaf tea when Phil arrives. He looks as handsome to Dan as he did the day they met. Dan grimaces at the thought. He reminds himself that they’re here to talk about the child he’s incubating. He tempers down his lingering attraction.

“Thanks for meeting me,” Phil states as he slides into his seat. Dan nods and they both sip their respective drinks. The air between them takes on awkward tension. “I’m sorry,” Phil apologizes, breaking the silence. Dan lifts his head and locks Phil’s gaze.

“What for?”

“For my reaction. You were probably scared and nervous to tell me. All I did was yell and throw you out of my place. I’m sorry.” Phil reaches across the table and touches Dan’s hand. Dan jolts at the contact and pulls his hand towards his chest, tightening in on himself.

“It’s fine. I dumped it onto you. I never expected you to react very well.” Phil frowns and shakes his head.

“I could have handled the whole thing better. I’m sorry if I caused you any distress.”

“It’s fine,” Dan states with a shrug. Phil frowns.

“I’m also sorry that it took me so long to get back to you. Truthfully, I had begun to accept everything by Monday.”

“Then why wait so long?”

“I want to work out all my feelings and get my thoughts in order.” Dan hums.

“Have you worked out everything?”

“Yes,” Phil says with confidence. Dan takes a sip of his tea and frowns to himself. It’s gone somewhat cold and bitter. “Are you okay?” Phil asks softly. Dan tilts his head to the side.

“I’m alright,” he states. It comes out more like a question. Truth be told, he’s not sure how he feels. The morning sickness is slowly decreasing, but it’s being replaced by hunger. Dan wishes for a moment that he had bought himself a pastry. Smells are a constant battle for him. The aroma of the coffee is causing him to crave coffee in the worst way, but it’s also making him kind of nauseous. He wonders again why he didn’t buy a pastry.

Phil raises an eyebrow at Dan as he watches him drift off into his own mind. Dan appears a bit pale around the edge and it concerns Phil. “Are you sure?” he presses.

Dan takes a brief pause before nodding. The wave of nausea passes and he takes a sip of the cooling tea. He feels better already. “Yes I’m sure,” he reassures Phil.

“You can tell me if you’re not. I’m here for you,” Phil assures him. He reaches out again and lays his hand on top of Dan’s. This time, neither of them pull away. Dan turns his hand, cupping Phil’s fingers in his own. Phil squeezes their hands together in a reassuring manner.

“Are you?” Dan whispers. He’s staring at their linked hands.

“Yes,” Phil answers with a squeeze of their hands. Dan bites his lip and casts his eyes sideways. He wants to believe deep down that Phil’s actually here for him too, but things are so confusing now.

“Why?” Phil sighs. There’s so many reasons, but he’s unsure of where to begin.

“You’re having my baby. Of course I care for you.” Dan huffs. Anger clenches his chest and he tries his hardest to push it down.

“Only because  of the baby?” Dan’s tone is a mix of genuine curiosity and snark. Phil twists his mouth into a sour expression. He pulls his hand back and sighs.

“Of course not. I cared about you long before there was a baby.” Dan bites his lower lip. Phil’s words ring true in his head, but there’s still the lingering doubt in the back of his mind. Dan sighs and shelves that line of thought for right now.

“Where do we go from here?” Phil tilts his head to the side, giving Dan’s words consideration.

“As I said, I care about you and the baby. I would like to be a part of both of your lives if I can. If you would like me to only be there for the baby, then so be it. It’s completely up to you.” Dan takes a deep breath. He needs a minute and wishes he could pause real life. Phil’s made him realize that he holds an insane amount of power in this situation. His decisions will affect the course of everyone’s future. He tempers down the freak out raising in him.

“I would like you to be as involved with the baby as you can. As for us, that’s going to take time. Why don’t we play that one by ear?” Phil nods in agreement. He does care about both Dan and their child. If Dan never wants to pursue a relationship, then Phil’s prepared to accept that.

They spend the rest of the meeting making small talk. They are aware that they have a long road and many discussions ahead of them. They need time to process what’s been said today. As they’re standing outside the coffee house, Dan turns suddenly towards Phil and grabs his arm. Phil’s slightly startled by the touch, but his face softens at the sight of Dan’s determined expression.

“I’m going to have a scan done in a few weeks,” he pauses, running dates and numbers in his head. “Well, about a week and a half now.” Dan flips his hand in a dismissive manner and Phil raises an eyebrow in a questioning manner. “Anyway, it’s my twelve week scan. The little one has grown more and it shouldn’t look so much like a blob.” He’s babbling on and they both know it. “I would like you to go if you can. It would be nice.” Dan forces the words past his loose tongue and bumbling lips. Phil smiles. It’s a genuine smile that stretches across his whole face and casts a light in Dan’s direction.

“I would like that. Text me the details yes?” Dan lets out a breath that he wasn’t aware he was holding and gives Phil a shy smile.

They part ways with matching smiles. Phil returns home and flops down on his couch, staring at his ceiling. A warm feeling spreads through his chest as he replays the the meeting. It could have gone better in some aspects,but Phil’s happy with the overall outcome. He’s glad that Dan’s okay with him being involved with the baby. To know and have his child taken away would have crushed him.

The farther Dan walks away from the coffee house, the more the smile slides off his face. He’s barely able hold the negative thoughts back until he’s home. Curled up in his bed, he replays the meeting. The talk was nice, but he feels as if it was lacking in some areas. Phil seems excited to be involved in their child’s life. It’s unsure if that excitement extend to interacting with Dan. Where they stand now is ambiguous. He’s still harboring his feelings for Phil. It would be devastated if this child makes it so they never have a chance to be together.

The longer Dan thinks over their talk, the more twisted the words become in his head. After a few hours, his brain has convinced him that they will never be together. Phil’s humoring him and that he only cares for their child. Also, that Phil’s trying to butter him up so that he can steal their baby from him.

“‘Ello?” Phil asks with a groggy voice. He had been having a pleasant dream about puppies and parks before the loud blare of his phone jarred him out of it.

“Phil!” Dan exclaims. He’s sounds a bit frantic. Phil pulls himself up and leans against his headboard. He’s slightly more awake now then he was a moment ago.

“Are you okay?”

“No.” Dan’s response is flat and Phil can feel panic beginning to rise inside him.

“Is it’s the baby? What’s wrong?”

“It’s all about the baby isn’t it?”

“Wh-” Phil starts, but Dan cuts him off.

“You’re such a fucking liar. I can’t even believe you!” Phil furrows his brows.

“What are you talking about?”

“You say that you care about me, but you dropped me the second that Andrew didn’t like me. How can I trust you?” Phil sighs and runs his hand through his hair.

“What are you on about Dan?” There’s a slight edge to his voice, but Phil figures that it’s understandable. He’s being yelled at and he’s not awake enough yet to keep himself in check. He takes a deep breath, trying to gain control.

“You left me once before. What’s to stop you from leaving me again?” Dan’s voice cracks and tears begin to pool in his eyes.

“I thought we talked about that. I already apologized for that, but I can do that if you would like. I’m sorry.” Dan snorts.

“That’s the shittiest apology I’ve ever received in my life. Fuck you.” Phil pulls the phone away from his ear and sees that it’s two in the morning.

“Did you call me to swear at me?” The words tumble out of Phil’s mouth and he instantly regrets them. Getting an attitude with Dan will not help anything. Dan inhales sharply.

“Fuck you!” Phil takes a deep breath.

“What’s wrong?” Phil attempts to make his voice as soothing as possible. Dan inhales twice in a row. He’s going to cry if he opens his mouth and he knows it.

“I want to keep my baby,” Dan cries out. He sobs as tears trickle down his cheeks. Phil sits up straight and his heart clenches. Dan’s cries cascade from the phone.

“Dan? Dan? Who said you can’t keep the baby?” Phil’s fingers curl tighter around his phone as if he’s trying to reach through it and touch Dan. Dan sobs harder. “Dan? Dan?” Phil raises his voice, trying to get Dan’s attention. He’s becoming more concerned by the moment. “Dan? Baby? Sweetheart? Talk to me please?” Phil pleads. Dan cries harder as Phil’s terms of endearments reach him.

“Please Phil. Don’t take my baby away from me,” Dan begs. He coughs and sniffles a few times.

“Why would I take the baby away from you?” Phil’s confused about where any of this is coming from or why Dan thinks he would do something like that.

“‘Cuz you only care about it. You’ll take it away from me when it’s born and claim I’m too young to take care of it. I know you will.” Phil’s heart breaks. Never in a million years would have he thought to do something like that. Sure, Dan’s young, but Phil has the utmost confidence in his ability to be a dad.

“Where are you? Are you home?”

“Where else would I be? Of course I’m at home. Do you think I’m out whoring around while carrying your baby?” Do you think that I’m that kind of person? I was a virgin before I slept with you!” Phil inhales sharply at the onslaught of information. He files away this for further discussion.

“I don’t think you’re like that at all. I’m making sure that you’re safe. Ok Baby? I want you to be safe. How can I help you? I want to help you. Can you tell me how to do that?” Silence greets him. If not for Dan’s sobs, Phil would have sworn Dan hung up on him. Dan sniffs a few times before speaking.

“Can you come over?” he whispers. Phil nods his head and scrambles out of bed, remembering a few seconds too late that Dan can’t see his reply. “I guess not.” Dan’s voice sounds dejected.

“I’m coming. Of course I’m coming Sweetheart. Text me your address and I’ll be right over.”

“Ok.” Dan hangs up the phone with a hiccup. Phil sighs as his phone beeps with Dan’s message. With an Uber ordered, he pulls on the first thing he can find and heads out the door.

The car pulls up to the curb and Phil takes a look at the small row house. Under a porch light stands a slightly hunched and shivering figure. Phil takes care of the Uber and hustles along the walk. Dan’s tear stained face is illuminated in the light.

“Phil,” Dan whispers with a hint of disbelief. Even though he’s stood outside his house, he never believed that Phil would actually show.

“Dan.” Phil breaths out a sigh of relief. Dan’s home like he said and doesn’t appear to injured. He opens his arms wide and Dan steps into them. He sags against Phil’s chest and wraps his arms around his middle. Phil’s arm encircle Dan, pulling him close. Contentment washes over Phil and he hums into Dan’s hair.


	13. Chapter 13

The warm, yellow porch light cuts through the darkness. Dan burrows as deep into Phil’s chest as he can and Phil tightens his arms. He can feel Dan shaking with silent sobs. Phil brings one of his hands up and pets the back of Dan’s head.

“It’s okay Dan.” Dan shakes his head and Phil hushes him, trying to sooth him. “It is Sweetheart. It’s going to be okay.” Dan pulls back a little and looks up at Phil with wet eyes. Phil brings his hand up, cupping Dan’s face, and wipes away a few tears with his thumb. Dan leans into the touch and Phil places a soft kiss on his forehead.

“Let’s go inside,” Phil suggests and Dan nods. They link hands as Dan leads them through the dark house. Dan’s room is awash in the light from his bedside lamp. Phil glances around the room, but doesn’t register most of what he sees. Dan is sitting himself on his unmade bed and Phil’s focus is on him.

“May I sit on the bed?” Dan nods and moves over. Phil sits down next to him, their thighs pressing together. Neither of them say anything for a few minutes. Dan’s staring off into space and Phil’s staring at him.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I called you and yelled,” Dan apologizes. His voice sounds like a far away whisper. Phil shakes his head. The movement causes Dan to refocuses his gaze onto Phil.

“It’s fine.” Dan shakes his head.

“No it’s not,” he insists. Phil shakes his head with more force.

“It’s fine. Everything is fine.” Phil attempts to keep his voice level and his tone soothing. Dan’s finally calmed down and there’s no reason to wind him up once again.

“I treated you horribly and yet, you’re here.” Phil gives him a small, sad smile. He reaches out and takes Dan’s hand in his own. Dan doesn’t pull away. Instead, holding tighter to Phil.

“As I should be. I’m here because you needed me to be and that’s what I’m here for. I told you that I’m here for you and our child. Either of you need me and I’ll be there for you.” He rubs his thumb back and forth over the back of Dan’s hand. Dan gives Phil a skeptical look. “One day,” Phil continues, “you’ll believe me.” Dan’s breath catches in his throat and he swallows hard around the lump.

“Could you hold me?” It’s been a few minutes since either has spoken. Phil’s been watching Dan fight off sleep. He nods his head.

“Of course. Should we get into bed?” Dan nods. They both strip down and crawl under the blankets. Phil settles onto his back and Dan lays on his side. He rests his head on Phil’s chest. Phil wraps his arm around Dan’s back and Dan slings his arm over Phil’s stomach. Phil can feel the warm, tight skin of Dan’s lower stomach against his hip.

“We need-” Dan gives a large yawn. “We need to talk.” His words are slurred. Phil hums and pulls him a little closer.

“Tomorrow. For now, we sleep.” Dan nods his head and snuggles closer to Phil. It doesn’t take long for his breath to even out. Phil tries to stay awake, trying to figure out what they have to discuss in the morning. Sleep over takes him before he can get anywhere.

Dan opens his eyes. He squints against the sunlight trickling through the crack in the curtain. He shifts to his side and notices Phil. He’s snoring softly with half his face mashed into the pillow. It takes Dan a few moments to remember the previous night. The awful emotions, the screech of his voice as he yells through his phone. He takes a deep breath and braces himself against the welling panic, but the panic never comes. Calm washes over him as he watches Phil. A small smile ghosts over Dan’s face. The moment is broken by his bladder screaming for release. As carefully as he can, he slips out of bed.

Phil stirs and shifts, consciousness coming to him bit by bit. He blinks his eyes, looking around the room. His brow creases at the unfamiliarity of the room. It takes him a minute to remember that he’s in Dan’s room. The previous night comes back and he sighs.

The door to his left opens and he looks at it. Dan shuffles in and shuts the door quietly behind him. He turns back towards the bed and his eyes go wide, jumping slightly. Phil’s propped up on his left arm. His shirt is rumbled and the covers are pooled around his waist. His eyes are still heavy with sleep and a crease down one side of his face.

“Oh. You’re awake. Did I wake you?” Dan crosses the room and climbs back into bed. He props himself up against the headboard with his pillows and pulls the covers up to hide his stomach.

“I don’t believe so. How are you feeling?” Dan shrugs.

“I feel calmer than I was yesterday.” Dan looks away. “I’m sorry about the phone call.” Dan bites his lip, anxious about Phil’s response. Phil shakes his head, even though he knows Dan can’t see him.

“I’m not sorry. You never have to be sorry for how you feel or if you need someone. You call and I’ll come. It’s as simple as that.” Dan turns his head and stares at Phil in awe.

“Really?” Phil nods. He shifts closer and reaches his hand out. The hand hovers over Dan’s cheek as it waits for permission. Dan gives a subtle nod and Phil lays his hand against Dan’s cheek. Phil’s thumb moves back and forth. Dan’s eyes flicker between Phil’s eyes and his lips. Phil’s expression mirrors Dan’s and tension fills the air between them. They lean forward until they’re roughly an inch and half apart.

“Wait,” Phil whispers over Dan’s mouth. Dan pulls back and stars at Phil with wide eyes. After a beat, he drops his chin to his chest.

“Why? Don’t you want to kiss me?” Dan’s voice is small and the words are spoken into his chests. Phil pulls back and looks at Dan with narrow eyes.

“Of course I do, but I want to talk to you first.”

“About last night?” Dan asks to his chest. Phil nods.

“It’s mainly about what you said last night.” Dan starts twisting his fingers together in his lap. After a minute, he lets out a sigh.

“Where should we start?” Phil takes a deep breath.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t trust you about Andrew. I’m sorry that I ditched you for him. That was wrong. I’m sorry I slept with you and-” Dan whips his head up and opens his mouth to argue. Phil holds up his hand. “I’m not sorry that we slept together. I am sorry that I made you feel abandoned and scared.” Dan’s face relaxes as the fight leaves him. “I’m sorry that I yelled when you told me that you were pregnant. I’m sorry I’ve been giving you mixed signals. I’m sorry that I’ve made you insecure about everything. I’m sorry.” Dan stares at him for a few moments. His mouth is open and tears are pooling in his eyes. Suddenly, he throws his arms around Phil and hugs him tight.

“Thank you.” The words are spoken into Phil’s shoulder. Phil wraps his arms around Dan and they hold each other. The comfortable silence in broken occasionally by Dan sniffling. Eventually, they detangle, but stay pressed close to one another. Phil slides his hand into Dan’s and Dan happily grabs on.

“Can we talk about why you called last night?” Phil’s gentle words wash over Dan and he nods. “I think we covered the first part with my apology. I know it won’t fix everything right away, but I feel like it’s a step in the right direction.” Dan nods again. He knows that Phil’s apology is going to go a long way to make things well between them. “Let’s cover the second thing. If you would like to discuss the first thing again, we can do that. Not right now though. This,” Phil points between the two of them and then down at Dan’s stomach, “will only work if we trust each other.”

“That’s true,” Dan agrees, interrupting Phil. Phil nods.

“So all that being said,” Phil waves his hands in the air. “I would to know why you think I’m going to take the baby from you.” Dan looks away from him, embarrassed as he remembers his outburst last night. Phil retakes Dan’s hand. Dan turns glances at Phil before he goes back to staring at the wall. Phil doesn’t say anything, giving Dan the time he needs to collect his thoughts. Dan takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

“I feel so out of control sometimes.” Dan glances at Phil. Phil stays silent. “This whole situation is scary. I feel like I’m making it up as I go along. That’s no way to raise a child.” Phil squeezes Dan’s hand.

“A lot of life is flying by the seat of your pants and making it up as you go. There’s no true manual about how to raise a kid.” Dan gives Phil a small frown.

“There’s parenting books, but they can’t prepare you for everything. I can’t help thinking about how I’m a kid myself. How am I going to raise a kid?” Phil shifts so he’s facing Dan. Dan does the same.

“I’m here as well. You’re not alone in this. We’re here to help each other be the best parent we can be. Our child is going to be amazing.”

“You won’t try to take them away?”

“Only it’s the best thing for them.” Dan frowns and opens his mouth to fire something back. Phil stops him. “I would only take them away if you decided to reenact Trainspotting.” Dan rolls his eyes and chuckles. Phil smiles. “You’re going to be a great dad.”

“So are you.” Dan squeezes Phil’s hand. They sit in silence for a few minutes. “What else do we have to discuss.” Phil goes over last night’s conversations. He takes a deep breath as he remembers Dan’s throw away fact near the end of it.

“Were you a virgin before we slept together?” Dan pulls his hand away and squirms. He goes back to staring straight ahead. Phil swallows a sigh.

“Yes.” Dan’s voice comes out in a whisper. Phil’s heart pluments. A quick, emotionally fueled fuck at a part isn’t how anyone should lose their virginity. If he had known, Phil would have taken his time and made it special. Or he would have insisted that they wait until they were both sober. Or insisted that they didn’t sleep together at all. He feels that Dan deserves so much better.

“I’m sorry.” Phil’s voice is soft. Dan looks over at him and notices that Phil’s eyes are glassy.

“Why are you sorry?”

“You deserved better than that for your first time. I’m so sorry.” Dan reaches over and cups Phil’s cheek in his hand. He shifts them until they’re staring into each other’s eyes. Phil searches Dan’s eyes for any hint that he’s upset.

“It’s fine.” Phil jerks head out of Dan’s grasp in his surprise.

“How can you say that?”

“I lost my virginity to you. Granted, it wasn’t the best situation and it has had some unseen consequences.” He brings his hand down and presses lightly over his stomach. “I wouldn’t change it. You’ve given me-, no, us a baby. Even though I’m terrified, I think the whole thing is going to be worth it in the end.” Phil stares at him in awe.

“You’re serious?”

“Very.” Dan smiles wide and Phil gives him a smile in return. After a moment, Phil’s face becomes serious.

“We have a lot of work to do. We have to get ready for the baby and get to a point where we can work together for their sake.” Dan nods.

“I know. It will all come together in time. They’re a little bean right now.” Dan pats his stomach.

“Can I-.” Phil swallows. “Can I feel?” Dan smiles and nods. He leans back farther on the pillows. Phil shifts closer to him. Dan takes Phil’s hand and lays it on his stomach, making it press lightly against his shirt. Phil can feel the warmth and slight firmness through Dan’s thin sleep shirt. There isn’t a bump to feel yet, but Phil can feel where Dan’s stomach is getting ready for one.

“Amazing!” Dan tilts his head back and laughs. Phil chuckles.

“It’s pretty awesome occasionally.” Phil’s stomach choses this moment to growl loudly. Dan laughs while Phil clushes. “Come on. Let’s get breakfast.”

~~~

“Who is this?” Dan and Phil stop inside the kitchen door. Dan’s mum, Ellen, is seated at the kitchen table. The paper is folded in front of her and a cup of tea sits next to it.

“This is Phil.” Dan gestures at Phil.

“Hello.” Phil gives a wave and Ellen gives him an unimpressed expression. An uncomfortable tension settles over the room.

“I think it’s best if Phil leaves now,” she informs him.

“Why?”

“We need to have a discussion.” Dan opens his mouth to give an angry statement, but Phil stops him.

“It’s fine. I’ll talk to you later.” Dan gives him a raised eyebrow and Phil returns it with a small smile. Dan relaxes his face and smiles.

“Alright. I’ll help you round up your stuff.”

~~~

Dan steps back into the kitchen. His mum is still sat in her chair. Her tea is finished and the paper has been set off to the side. Dan slides into the chair across from her. He stares at the table and can feel his mum’s eyes burrowing into the top of his head.

“Who was that?” Dan raises his head.

“I told you. He’s Phil.” Ellen raises an eyebrow.

“Why was Phil here?” Her tone is cold and Dan bites his cheek to keep himself in check.

“I asked him to come over.”

“What for?”

“Sex.” Ellen inhales sharply.

“Daniel.” Her voice has a warning in it.

“Do you think I would be that stupid? To bring a guy back here? I needed him. I was upset and I called him. When I started crying, I asked him to come over. He did.”

“I think that I’m not sure what to think anymore. You’re a pregnant eighteen year old without a partner. Nothing would shock me anymore.” Dan huffs.

“Do you think that little of me?”

“I’m not sure what to think of you anymore.”

“Thanks Mum.” Ellen sighs. She reaches across and lays a hand on Dan’s arm.

“I don’t want to see you get hurt.” Her voice is gentle and Dan relaxes a bit. “Does he know about the baby? Does the baby’s father know you’re carrying on with someone else?” Anger begins to well up inside of Dan.

“I’m not carrying on with anyone.” His voice his sharp. Ellen sits back in her chair.

“What do you call that?” She gestures to the space where Phil and him were standing roughly ten minutes before.

“That was him being a good friend and baby daddy. That’s him coming because I was upset and he was concerned.”

“He’s the father?” Ellen raises her eyebrows in surprise. Dan huffs.

“Yes. Is that so shocking? You knew there was clearly another father.” Ellen sighs.

“A little. He’s older than I thought he would be.”

“Who did you think the other dad was?” Ellen shakes her head.

“I don’t know. Someone your age I guess.” Dan resists the urge to roll his eyes.

“He’s not that much older than me.”

“How old is he?”

“Twenty-four. He had his birthday a few weeks after we slept together.” Ellen raises an eyebrow.

“That’s five years Dan. Almost six at this moment.”

“I can do math thanks,” Dan snaps. Ellen raises her hands. They lapse into a brief silence.

“He knows about the baby right?”

“I told him last week.” Ellen nods.

“How did that go?” Dan lets out a laugh.

“Could have gone better. Not too terrible in retrospect. He’s still talking to me and wants to be there for the baby. Those are positives at least.” Ellen gives him a focused look and he gives her a questioning look.

“There’s a complicated story between the two of you isn’t there?” Dan shrugs.

“Kinda.”


	14. Chapter 14

Phil runs his fingers through his disheveled hair as he checks his phone once again. An frustrated sigh escape his lips. He hasn’t heard anything from Dan all day and his nerves are beginning to fray. They hadn’t left things on a positive note. Dan tried to smile and reassure him, but Phil could see the worry in his eyes. It was a look that left Phil’s stomach twisting in knots. The call box next to his door buzzes, causing him to rush across the flat.

“Yes?”

“Phil? It’s Dan.”

“Dan!” Phil cries out as he buzzes him. He twists his fingers together as time drags on. There’s barely a knock before he throws open the door. A surprised Dan stands on the other side of the door.

“Anxious much?” Dan asks with a smirk. Phil doesn’t answer. He reaches out and grabs onto Dan’s arm, pulling him into a hug. The minute their bodies are pressed against each other, calm washes over Phil. “Miss me?” Dan asks into Phil’s shoulder.

Phil hums in response and relishes in the feeling of Dan against him. He feels centered for the first time since he left Dan’s. Dan huffs and pushes away far too soon for Phil’s liking. He swallows a whine and leads Dan into the living room. Phil tries to justify to himself his need to cling to Dan.

“Is everything okay with your mum?” Dan nods, then chuckles. Phil furrows his brow. “What’s so funny?”

“She thought we were fucking.” Phil’s eyes go wide.

“And that’s funny how?” Phil’s voice raises.

“She reacted the way she did because she thought you were my booty call and not my baby daddy.”

“I’m only one of those things,” Phil grumbles. Dan chuckles, but his heart clenches for a brief moment.

“True. Well, last night at least.” Dan wiggles his eyebrows. Phil groans and shoves him in the arm. Dan laughs. Phil’s eyes soften at Dan’s toothy smile.

“You’re horrid,” Phil informs him. Dan’s smile widens and Phil’s heart stutters.

“She wants to meet you; properly and all that,” Dan informs him after a few moments of silence.

“Is that a good idea?” Dan tilts his head to the side and thinks for a moment.

“Yes,” he answers with a steadfast voice. “You’re the father of her grandchild. You’re going to be in their life and she should know who you are. Plus, it would make her feel better about the whole situation. You’re older than she thought you were and it freaked her out a bit.” Phil laughs at the last part.

“I’m older than she thought? How old did she expect me to be?”

“My age.” Phil gets quiet for a moment. Dan nudges him and quirks an eyebrow.

“Do you think I’m too old for you? Do you think it’s creepy?” Phil’s words come out in a whisper. Dan stares at him with a mix of confusion and horror.

“What are you on about?” Dan’s voice raises a bit. Phil sighs.

“I’m five years older than you. This whole thing is looking like I took preyed on you.” Dan shakes his head.

“You didn’t take advantage of me. I begged you to fuck me and I pursued you.” Dan shifts on the couch, resting his elbows on his legs and stares straight ahead. “Our relationship is a complicated one that confuses a lot of people. Others act like you’re decades older than me because I’m only eighteen. There’s a lot about it that we have to work through and having a baby isn’t helping anything. The baby is my main focus at this moment. Tomorrow, I may be ready to work through everything else with you; but I can’t in this moment. I’ve barely wrapped my head around a child and I can’t work through my feelings about you at this moment.” Phil stares at Dan with an open mouth. Dan shrugs and takes Phil’s hand. “I don’t say this to hurt you. I need you to know where I’m coming from.”

Phil’s in awe. He was initially drawn to Dan because of the level of maturity he presented. Phil pulls him into a hug and ends up trapping Dan’s arms. Dan awkwardly pats Phil’s arm.

“Get off me you dork.” Phil laughs and pulls back. Dan smiles fondly.

~~~

Dan squirms in the plastic chair. Phil sighs to himself and puts down the old parenting magazine he’s holding. He reaches out and takes Dan’s hand. Dan tightly squeezes their hands togethers.

“What’s wrong?” Dan takes a breath. His chest tightens and he takes a few deep breaths. Phil rubs his thumb along the back of Dan’s hand.

“I’m nervous. The last time I was here, I was by myself basically. Mum came with me, but she waited out here. I was still in shock over the positive test and then the confirmation that I actually pregnant. Things didn’t register last time. Now, you’re here and things are becoming more real.” Phil hums and Dan takes a deep breath. “You’re going to see the baby and I’m a bit worried. I don’t want you to freak out.” Phil takes a breath and smiles at Dan.

“Everything is going to be fine. I’m not going to freak out. I’ve been staring at that ultrasound picture every day since you gave it to me.” Dan raises an eyebrow. “I’m right here for you.” Dan gives him a weak smile.

Before he can reply, his name is called. Phil stands off to the side, watching Dan go through the start of the visit. They settle into the exam room and sit in silence for the doctor to arrive.

The doctor comes in and asks Dan routine questions. Dan talks about the decreased morning sickness and the increase appetite. The doctor congratulates him on gaining weight, as he was fairly thin at his last visit. Phil furrows his brow and Dan sees him out of the corner of his eye. He shoots him a questioning look and Phil sends one that says that they will talk about it later.

They’re lead to a small room that contains an examination bed and an ultrasound machine. The tech instructs Dan to get situated on the bed. Dan pulls up his shirt and pushes down his pants. It’s the first time Phil’s seen his stomach since the party and remembers how thin Dan looked then. He’s pleased to see that Dan’s starting to fill out a bit more.

Dan hisses at the cold gel being spread across his stomach. Phil smiles. Dan gives him a threatening look with no real head behind it. Phil smiles wider and picks up Dan’s hand, lacing their fingers together.

“Alright boys. Here’s your foetus.” The tech swivels the monitor. Amidst the sea of black rests the tiniest human either of them have ever seen. They both watch the screen in awe. The tech clicks buttons, taking measurements and information. “You’re measuring at eleven weeks and six days.” Dan frowns.

“I’m suppose to be twelve weeks and a few days.” Phil’s listening to the conversation, but it’s not registering with him. He’s too busy watching the screen. The tech smiles at Dan.

“You probably are in reality. I’m letting you know what the baby is measuring at. The baby is slightly small, but nothing outside the norm for this point in the pregnancy. As you progress, your baby will most likely catch right up.”

“So I shouldn’t be concerned?”

“Not in the least. Would you like to hear the heartbeat?” Dan affirms and the tech hits a button. A gentle whooshing sound permeates the room and Dan squeezes Phil’s hand. Phil gives a squeeze back, but stays focused on the screen.

The tech allows them another minute before concluding the appointment. Dan requests three copies of the ultrasound picture. Phil doesn’t say anything. Dan keeps glancing at him the whole way back to Phil’s apartment, but neither of them say anything.

“Are you okay?” Dan asks once he’s settled onto the couch. Phil’s standing silently in front of Dan. Dan raises an eyebrow. Phil drops to his knees and bows his head. His shoulders start to shake. Dan’s eyes grow wide and he grabs Phil’s shoulder, trying to get his attention. Phil covers his face with his hands. “Phil? What’s wrong? Please talk to me?” Dan’s voice rises the more questions he asks.

Phil pulls his hands away and looks up at Dan. He has tear tracks down his cheeks and his eyes glisten with unspilt tears. Dan’s breath catches in his throat.

“Thank you,” Phil whispers. Dan furrows his brow.

“What for?” Phil reaches out and holds his hand above Dan’s stomach. His eyes flick up to Dan’s, pleading for permission. Dan gives a minuscule nod and Phil spreads his hand across Dan’s shirt.

“For being you. For carrying and giving me this amazing child. You have no idea how amazing you are.” Dan’s eyes begin to mist. He reaches out and pulls Phil into a tight hug. Phil gladly reciprocates. After a few moments, Phil pulls back. He sistuates himself on the couch and pulls Dan down on top of him; determined to cuddle the afternoon away.

~~~

Dan strides into work with a smile on his face. Yesterday, things went really well with Phil; even though they didn’t talk about anything. Basking in the glow of their growing child was more important to them.

“What’s got you all smiley?” Lacey asks as he drops his stuff in the off. Dan fishes a copy of his ultrasound picture out of his wallet and hands it to her.

“Oh! Look at them.” Dan beams. Lacey looks down at Dan’s stomach, as if she’s trying to see them through his shirt. “How far along are you now?”

“Technically twelve and a half weeks. Little bean is on the smaller side so they were measuring at a few days behind. The tech said not to worry though. They have plenty of time to catch up.” Lacey hums and nods.

“No bump yet?” Dan shakes his head.

“It will happen when it happens.” Lacey tries to hand the photograph back, but Dan shakes his head.

“It’s your copy. Well, Connor’s and your’s.”

“Are you sure? Why us?”

“You’re our best friends. We wouldn’t be here without your party. I thought you would like to see your little niece or nephew.” Lacey squeaks and throws her arms around Dan, pulling him into a tight hug. Dan teeters off balance for a moment before wrapping his arms around Lacey and leaning into her.

~~~

Phil wipes his hands on his jeans and smooths out his shirt. Butterflies swarm around his stomach and if he swells on it for too long, he swears that he will be sick. Meeting Dan’s mum isn’t something he’s been looking forward to after their disastrous last meeting.

“Phil!” Dan cries as he opens the door. Phil gives him a small smile and Dan beams back before pulling him into a hug. Phil can feel himself relax slightly at Dan’s presence. “Come in.”

Dan leads them through the living room and into the kitchen. Sitting in the same spot as last time is Dan’s mum. She sets her paper to the side and stares at Phil with a blank expression. Phil feels a light sweat break out across his forehead. She gestures to the two chairs opposite of her. Dan squeezes Phil’s hand and Phil remembers that they’ve been holding hands since the end of their hug.

“Hello. I’m Ellen.” She reaches out her hand and Phil takes it. “It’s nice to meet you again.” Phil smiles.

“It’s nice to meet you properly. I’m Phil.” Ellen’s mouth twitches before returning to her neutral expression.

“Shall we get down to it then?” Ellen looks between Dan and Phil. Phil fights the urge to squirm in his seat. “Tell me about yourself Phil.” Phil takes a calming breath.

“I’m from the North originally. I came down here for University and never left. I work in an office as an accountant.”

“Do you live alone or have a roommate?”

“I live by myself.”

“What about your family?”

“My parents live near where I grew up. My older brother and his girlfriend live near them.” Ellen nods.

“It’s only Dan and I. My parents retired to the coast a few years back.” Phil nods, remembering talking to Dan about this shortly after they met. “You’re twenty-four?” Phil takes a deep breath and Dan squeezes his hand.

“Yes I am.” Ellen raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t immediately respond.

“Why Dan?” Phil furrows his brow and Dan huffs. Phil squeezes his hand, reminding him to remain calm.

“What do you mean ‘why Dan’?” Ellen takes a quick breath.

“I mean Dan is eighteen. Why would you chose to pursue someone that much younger than you?”

“Mum-” Dan starts, jumping in to defend Phil. Phil holds up his hand, cutting Dan off. Dan looks at him with anger in his eyes and Phil shakes his head.

“I understand that you’re angry. Dan is young and has his whole life ahead of him. Suddenly, someone comes along and helps to derail all the dreams you had for him. I get that my age plays apart in your anger. If I was also eighteen, it could have come across as being dumb, reckless, and foolish teenagers.” Ellen nods.

“Yet, because I’m a bit older than him, I should have been more responsible.” Ellen nods again. “You have every right to be angry with me. When I first met Dan, I had no intentions on pursuing him romantically.” Dan opens his mouth to interject, but Phil shuts him down with a small shake of his head. “Things happened and now we’re having a child together. I’m aware that this isn’t the ideal situation, but it’s our reality.” Ellen takes a moment to consider Phil’s words.

“Are you pursuing him romantically now?” Phil startles.

“I’m sorry?” he asks. Ellen clears her throat.

“You said that when you first met Dan, you had no intentions of pursuing him romantically. Has that changed?” Dan stares at Phil with bated breath. Phil takes a deep breath.

“Dan and I have a complicated history. We have discussed that we need to work through our issues. This has to happen before we even consider pursuing each other romantically. The baby is taking all our attention; as it should.” Dan chest tightens, but he knows Phil’s words are true. Their child needs to be both of their number one priorities. Before they even consider becoming more.

“Are you going to be there for the child?” Phil nods.

“I intend to be around as much as Dan allows me to be. He holds all the control.” Ellen turns her attention to Dan.

“How do you feel about that?” Dan shrugs.

“It’s a lot of responsibility, but no more than having a child.” Ellen nods. “I enjoy knowing that he’s going to there for us.” Ellen gives a tiny smile and Dan returns it.

“Do either of you have a plan about how everything will work out?” Dan and Phil look at each other.

“We haven’t had a chance to sit down and work out the logistics of everything yet. We’re taking everything one day at a time.” Ellen nods.

“Alright. We’re good for now.” Ellen pushes back from the table and walks out of the kitchen. Dan turns to Phil and lets out a long breath. Phil gives a weak smile.

“That could have gone worse.” Phil chuckles.

“You’re telling me.”

“We have to have a conversation about the future. Both our’s and our little one’s.” Phil nods.

“Not today though. I declare only one emotionally charged conversation per day.” Phil pulls Dan out of his seat and guides him to the living room. Dan laughs.

“I completely agree.”


End file.
